


Nine Inch Gab

by Bincxn



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3RACHA own an internet café, Alternate Universe, And Plot, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Chan has crispy hair, Changbin is an aspiring e-sport gamer, Eventual Smut, Felix is Korea's sweetheart, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Has some dark parts, Jisung is a blueberry, M/M, Multiple Endings, Mystery, Seo Changbin-centric, This was supposed to be an oneshot, and feelings, and he has an undercut cause i love it, colour, not literally i mean the hair, slaps roof of fic - this baby has so much fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22130245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bincxn/pseuds/Bincxn
Summary: DISCLAIMER: This fic will have two (2) Endings! Changlix |or| Binsung ---He hated Bella. He really did. He's glad that kind stranger ran into him and destroyed her – but did it really have to be a miserable plan of fate that would reveal a love hidden and things forgotten? Why can't the universe just do him a favour without wanting anything in return?
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	1. What should I say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, that’s it. He’ll call an ambulance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll like it! ♥  
>   
> Trigger warning:  
> \- Mentions of Blood  
> 

The cold air nibs at his skin with an almost petulant insistence. The accompanying breeze blows snowflakes into his half-frozen hair and the dirty, mushy snow around his booted feet bathes its leather in coldness, that seeps even through the fluffy socks he had put on that morning.

Changbin sighs and adjusts his stance. His arms hurt and his fingers feel frozen. He wouldn’t be surprised if the harsh weather had coloured them blue. Just why did it have to snow so much over night?

Whoever had he glorious idea to put fairy lights inside a giant ball of glass and make the batteries inside rechargeable by solar power, aka the sun that wasn’t shining today, could just die in a ditch.

Maybe half of the blame was to be put on Chan and Jisung, who had decided that an undemocratic game of whose-finger-is-on-his-nose-the-last-loses was the way to decide whose turn it was to recharge this giant ball of nightmares currently nestled in his hands. And why did it have to be made of glass? Glass was so damned cold in these temperatures for god’s sake.

 _This_ was definitely not how Changbin had imagined owning an internet café would be; standing outside and freezing his ass off, while his two best friends enjoyed hot chocolate inside. But this thing had been expensive and was part of their seasonal decorations, he couldn’t just leave it in the streets unattended.

A squall of freezing air hits him from the side, and he instinctively nestles his head further into his scarf. He regrets getting his undercut recut yesterday, with the protective barrier of hair gone, the weather feels almost ten times colder and his ears had been frozen numb in seconds.

At least it looks good on him, if one was to believe Jisung.

He shuffles in his spot, crunching snow under his feet and readjusting his grip on the unhandy ball. It didn’t help that it towered over his head ever so slightly and is absurdly heavy - at least his spot around the corner of their entrance is mostly protected from the cold breeze.

He flicks his tongue over his lips to whisk away their dryness, but it only helps in making him feel colder when the wind hits the wettened flesh. He scrunches his nose in annoyance. He would be so sick tomorrow, he can tell.

“-wish I could- “

Changbin hears a deep voice resonate from around the corner, carried to him by the wind and the next thing he knows is the feeling of something colliding with him and pushing the fragile ball in his arms harshly into his chest.

He gasps in surprise, not grasping what’s happening quickly enough to react before the pressure on his chest is gone as quickly as it had appeared: A loud crack and a yelp later, he finds himself on the snowy ground, bare hands buried in snow and wetness quickly infiltrating his clothes.

He blinks and looks around himself, seeing a thousand shards of glass littering the floor; most nearly invisible with the snow immediately clinging to them and while the freed fairy lights merrily blink in red and green from underneath the snow. He scrambles to stand up, almost fingering a shard and dusts off bouts of snow from his clothes as soon as he stands.

“Fuck.” He curses belatedly to no one in specific, but his eyes fall on the culprit of this mess shortly after.

Still on the ground opposite of him is a blonde boy with a black mask that hides the lower part of his face. His eyes are wide with shock and Changbin would have chuckled at the comical sight, if not for the situation they were in.

“Yo, watch where you’re going.” He says and steps forward, noticing a blackened cap and a still lightened up phone half buried in the snow next to the blonde. “You okay?” He tries to suppress the sting of annoyance he feels when he realises how careless the blonde must have been and offers him a hand but freezes in his movements when he sees red spatters dropping on the starkly contrasting innocence of white snow.

“Oh shit-! Did you cut yourself?” His eyes snap back and scan the boy’s face again with more care and less annoyance but double the panic. He spots the culprit immediately: There’s a long, clean gash under the blonde’s eye. Fresh blood leaks out of its whole length, dropping into the snow and the dark mask beneath. How didn’t he see that before?!

“Fuck- “He crouches before the blonde, leaning in close and eyeing the wound nervously. That didn’t look good at all, likely needed stitches, with the way it gaped open, like a chasm. He bites his lips and grips the blonde’s wrists.

“Come on, can you stand? That must hurt, you need to see a doctor- “Changbin pulls the unresisting body up with ease. The blonde wobbles dangerously on his feet and Changbin immediately steadies him by the shoulder. “Okay, no rush. I’ve got you, alright? I’ve got you.”

The blonde coughs and Changbin’s eyes flicker to his face. Thick droplets of blood gush out of the cut, a sight that dizzies him, so he opts to focus on his eyes. “Can you talk? Should I call an ambulance?”

“I- “The blonde trails of, deep voice brittle and unsure. He squints at Changbin with furrowed brows, but doesn’t appear to really see him. The stare makes him uneasy. Maybe he had hurt himself somewhere else?

“You…?” Changbin prompts, impatience winning him over, but he gets no reaction. He gives the blonde a once over, maybe he had hit his head?

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” He tries but the blonde’s eyes just cloud over at his words.

“Hurt…?” The deep tune of the whispered word nearly disappears in the wind, Changbin strains to hear it. He observes how the blonde lifts small, delicate fingers to his own face, purposefully running a finger over the bleeding gash. Changbin flinches and the blonde gasps and jerks his hand back, gazing at the bloodied tips of his fingers.

Alright, that’s it. He’ll call an ambulance. He takes the bloodied fingers in his own to prevent the other from doing any more harm.

“Yeah, you should really not touch that.” He eyes the blonde who returns his stern gaze with soft eyes. Changbin’s feels a stab of pain in the back of his head, as if he was missing something. Did he… actually know this guy?

“Oh my god, finally! GUYS! I found him!” Changbin jerks away from the blonde as if burned when the warm fingers are ripped out of his hand. The blonde is whisked away in a flurry of snow and hands. “I told you- Oh my god, what happened to your face?! I _told_ you, it’s dangerous for you to be out alone- “

Changbin stands and watches like an abandoned puppy as the blonde is being dragged away. Just as they’re about to disappear around a corner in the distance, the blonde looks at him over his shoulder and their eyes meet and then he’s gone.

Well, fuck. That was weird.

He combs a hand through his hair, trying to ease the headache forming. He takes in the messy ground consisting of trampled snow, viciously hidden shattered glass and tiny drips of blood.

And the guys phone and cap.

Who leaves his phone just like that? He bends down and picks both items up, freeing them from the snow with his already freezing fingers and secures them in his pocket. He looks at the ground one last time and shakes his head, trying to get a grip on the weirdness that had just transpired before deciding to go back inside.

“Guys?”

“What’s up Bin?” Chan pops out from behind the counter as if conjured, papers and folder in hand and cobweb stuck to his crispy blonde strands. He looks at Changbin with a small smile that falters on its way to completion. “Woah there! Where’s Bella?”

“She exploded.”

“WHAT?! I- What- _HOW_?!” Chan’s face goes through emotions as quickly as Jisung through chocolate. Impressive.

Changbin shakes his shoulders, not trying to hide his amusement at Chan’s display of shock. “Well, someone walked into me from around the corner, couldn’t do anything for her. I’m _sad_ to say she spilled her guts all over the pavement.” He wasn’t sad at all.

Chan stares at him in silence for a good few moments. His brow twitches and his adams apple bobs almost indignantly. Changbin grins and slaps a hand under the elder’s chin to close his gaping mouth.

“Look, the guy that bumped into me even cut his cheek on the shards.” He lifts his bloody fingers as proof. “He was really out of it- Was a damn big cut too. I wanted to call him an ambulance, but then those guys came and dragged him away. Was really weird.”

“Bella is… dead?”

Changbin sighs and rolls his eyes. “Yes, get over it. She wasn’t that pretty anyway.” He pats Chan’s shoulder and heads for the breakroom. His wet clothes were getting uncomfortable.

“Yo Sungie.”

“Hey Binnie!” Jisung grins at him from his spot before the fridge. “Already back? Thought it would take longer to recharge.”

“You just want to see me suffer, don’t you?”

“Me? Never.”

“Sung! BELLA IS DEAD!” Chan bursts through the door after Changbin, face still shell-shocked and Jisung startles at his sudden entrance, hitting his head on the fridge’s door.

“Ow! Fuck, do you have to always be so dramatic and loud?!”

“But- Sung… Bella, she- “

“I don’t care! She was a hassle to take care of anyway. Not worth the money, if you ask me.” The indignant huff that follows is clearly Chans. “Now, more importantly, have you two seen my cherry-vanilla yoghurt? I swear it was still here yesterday.”

“Chan ate it.” Changbin grins and wags his eyebrows at the elder, remembering all the times he had given him away to the youngest.

“I- Sung… Come on, I wouldn’t- “

“I trusted you, Channie. I _trusted_ you.”

“No- _No_ , _please, listen_ \- “

Smiling to himself, Changbin sneaks out of the room, spare clothes in hand. That was probably going to be something Chan would whine about for the next few weeks, but it was totally worth it.

He quickly changes his clothes and places the phone and cap of the stranger on the heater to dry –he’d likely be back for them.

From the breakroom, he hears shrieks and squeals. Changbin smiles, Jisung’s laughter sounding too endearing to him to not smile as well.

“Guys, when you’re done in there, someone needs to clean up Bella’s corpse!” He’s not sure if they hear him or not, but he’s sure as hell not going to go outside again anytime soon.

He, instead, goes to the main room, where tons of computers are lined up next to each other; some with more space, some with less, depending on the customer’s needs. Few of them were occupied at lunchtime, just the usual regulars they had long since become good friends with.

“Guys, anyone up for a one on one? I want to train my reflexes some more.” He asks into the room, a few heads turn to him, all with equal grimaces on their faces.

“You’re just gonna stomp us anyway, it’s no fun.” One of them complains and Changbin can’t suppress the smug look on his face.

“Ah, I’m not _that_ good.”

Another one clucks his tongue. “Sure, I don’t think anyone in here has even a tiny chance of winning against you.”

“Oh, come on, I’ll take it easy, okay? I just want some more practice. Don’t you want me to make the team?”

There’s a huff and then someone mumbles, “Fine, _fine_.”

Changbin smiles and sinks down before one of the computers to start up the game. He was close, _so_ close to getting onto a world renown E-Sports team. He just wanted to be perfectly prepared, wanted to get that little bit of extra training. He had spent nearly a year and a half training for the try-outs tomorrow, he didn’t want to let this chance pass him by.

With eager resolve thrumming through him, he shoves his headache into the back of his mind and concentrates on the game, temporarily forgetting about the weird blonde and his confused brown eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grazie per la lettura! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	2. The years pass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh. “Oh, wow, alright. So, where do we meet then?” “Geez, get a room you two!” Someone yells from the rows of computer next to them and the room breaks into chuckles.

“Wow, you completely outplayed them, Binnie!” Jisung bursts into the room with a grin splitting his face. “If you don’t make the team, there’s something seriously wrong with those people!”

“You literally deleted them!” Chan joins in, peering over Jisung’s shoulder before shoving the younger inside. “Geez, move, you’re blocking everyone’s way.” He laughs at Jisung’s pout and comes over to Changbin and presses an icy beer into his hands. “Come, everyone’s waiting for you.”

“Yes! Let’s have a party!” Jisung excitedly claps his hands and pulls Changbin out of his chair, nearly ripping the headset off of his head.

“Yah! Calm down, Sungie.” He chuckles and discards the headset. “I wasn’t that good, really. I could’ve done better.”

“What! Bullshit, how can you say that?! You were _so_ good!” Jisung huffs and pouts as if Changbin had insulted him.

Chan squeezes his shoulder while they walk to the main room. “For real though, you did a good job. Everyone is really excited.”

Changbin gives him a small smile. He didn’t feel as if he did the best he could, but he appreciates their support anyway.

“GUYS! The man of the hour is here!” Jisung hypes up their entrance and a chorus of cheers greets them.

“Oh, come on. “He scratches the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Nothing’s decided yet, calm down- “

Jisung slaps his shoulder and clucks his tongue. “Don’t be so lame.”

“I’m not lame, you’re overdoing it- “

“I’m not! You just can’t see- “

“Can you two shut up? Look, everyone here is supporting you, Bin.” Chan gestures towards the room. “And you, Sung, we can have that party when he’s made the team, alright?”

Jisung nods and sighs. “Alright, sorry.”

Changbin sighs with a small smile as well. “Ah, I’m sorry too.” He slings an arm around Jisung’s shoulder and hugs him close. “I know you mean well.”

Jisung just smiles in response and hugs him back.

“Get a room you two!” Someone yells from the rows of computer next to them and the room breaks into chuckles.

“For real- Leaving me out of your hugs like that…” Chan grabs his chest in mock pain and snickers at their sour expressions.

“Oh shit! Guys, look at this!” Someone pipes up from the crowd, “this famous singer, Lee Yongbok- Damn, it looks like he was attacked or something!”

The name rings a bell somewhere in his head - it was one of those top charting singers in Korea, if he remembered right. Everyone moves to catch a look at the computer’s screen.

“Oh damn… Channie- “Jisung mumbles, averting his gaze from the screen and eyeing an equally worried looking Chan. The elder bites his lip, eyes flickering to connect with Changbin’s, for whatever reason.

Changbin furrows his brows at their strange reaction. It couldn’t be that bad of a bruise if there were photos of it, right? He moves around a chair and looks at the screen, coming face to face with the blonde guy from yesterday. The cut on his cheek is stitched, glowing an ugly red, even under the obviously applied make up. He chokes on the gulp of beer he had just ingested and coughs heartily.

“You okay there, Binnie?” Jisung pops up next to him immediately, patting his back.

Chan comes up on his other side, standing so close its slightly uncomfortable.

“I- “A cough interrupts his words. How could he not have recognized that guy yesterday?! He was literally listening to his songs on a daily basis – the radios played them on repeat after all – and he had sure enough watched a handful of his music videos as well. “Oh my god, guys- “He wheezes out. “That’s the guy that I bumped into yesterday! That cut- “He trails off and licks his lips nervously. That guy was an actual celebrity – what if he sued him?!

“You- You mean to tell us that… that’s the guy you bumped into? And that cut is the result of it…?” Chan alters his gaze between him and Jisung, finger pointing towards the screen.

“Yeah, it’s definitely him. You know, it’s funny… When I looked at him, I had the feeling that I knew him from somewhere.” He runs a finger over the beer bottle’s mouth in thought. “I just couldn’t put my finger on it, though. It gave me a real headache.”

Chan and Jisung exchange a meaningful look - one that Changbin doesn’t understand. It wasn’t that weird that he hadn’t recognized him, was it?

“I mean- “He begins, when his two friends just watch him with somewhat worried but certainly scrutinizing eyes. “-he wore a mask. It covered half his face and he barely talked, okay? I also didn’t expect to run into a celebrity.” Jisung furrows his brows at him and Changbin feels judged by their strange silence. Who was to say they would have recognized him?

“Yeah… Uh, that certainly explains why you didn’t realise who he was, I’m sure.” Chan squeezes out, obviously not meaning what he says by the way he forces his smile. “Your head’s okay now?”

“Yeah, it’s alright. Is there a reason you two are acting so weird?”

Chan forces a nervous laugh and Jisung hits the eldest shoulder a little too hard for it to be playful. “Nah, Channie’s just a big fan, you know him. He’s jealous that you met him and he didn’t, right Channie?”

“Oh, uh, yes. Yes, definitely.”

He eyes them suspiciously, there was definitely something going on he didn’t understand, but he just couldn’t put his finger on what it was. “Alright…? Well, I’m going to get myself some food.” He nods to them before disappearing towards the breakroom, happy when they don’t follow.

Before he reaches the room, he ducks behind the counter and takes the guy’s phone from the heater where he had forgotten it yesterday. The screen lights up at the movement and he sees that someone had repeatedly tried to call it – probably the owner, perhaps a manager even. He would try to catch the next one.

He doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that he currently possessed the phone of someone this famous. Certainly not after what had happened yesterday. He did so hope that he wouldn’t sue him for that accident – it hadn’t even been Changbin’s fault, after all. But with the beauty standards the famous had to bend under… he might as well have ruined the guy’s career.

The phone is warm between his fingers when he gets up and moves to the breakroom. It’s quiet inside, only a clock on the wall breaks the silence with it’s never changing rhythm. The phone finds its place on the counter, next to the plate he’s preparing himself a sandwich on. It’s only when he’s about to slice some tomatoes, that the phone lights up and starts to vibrate. That was quicker than he had expected it to happen.

“Hello?” He answers the call and wipes his with tomato innards dirtied fingers on a towel. The connection crackles while he waits for an answer that doesn’t come. He looks at the screen again, making sure that he didn’t accidently mute himself. He hadn’t. “Uhm, hello…?”

“Oh, uh, yes. Hey.” Changbin can’t help but feel uncomfortable and oddly happy when he hears the unmistakable deep voice over the line. “I, uh, need my phone back.”

Straight to the point, that was better than insulting and possibly suing him.

“Oh, sure. I thought so. How should we do it? Should I… send it?”

There’s a crackling silence and the sound of fabric touching the microphone. “No, uhm, that won’t be necessary. I’d like to come and get it myself.”

_Oh._ “Oh, wow, alright. So, where do we meet then?”

Why would he want to come and get it himself?

“Well, best to be a private place. How about, uh, your apartment?”

_“My- My apartment?!”_ He sputters and cringes at how that must have sounded. Was that a joke? That guy didn’t sound like he was joking. If he weren’t a celebrity, he would have thought the blonde was planning to assault him in an act of revenge.

“Yes, I, uh, I can’t be in public just like that, so…”

“Oh, uhm, yes. Yes, I see. I’ll give you my address- “He’s unsure if it’s a good idea, but he does it anyway, curiosity winning his internal battle. “When do you want to come over?”

“Is today in the evening okay?”

“Sure, sure, totally.” He nods even though the blonde can’t see it and they say a quick and equally awkward goodbye. The connection shuts off with a static sound and he takes the phone away from his ear to stare at the black screen in disbelief.

That hadn’t just happened, had it? Was… Was this guy really just going to come over to his place? No, he would probably bring someone with him, a bodyguard or manager or the like, surely.

Right?

“What the fuck.” He says under his breath and slips the phone into his pocket. He licks his lips and combs his fingers through his hair. Well, that was most certainly the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him. Normally, he would go and tell it Chan and Jisung, but… With the way they had acted before, he’d rather keep it a secret until after it had happened.

He leans back over the counter and continues cutting the tomatoes. He couldn’t help the giddiness and lopsided smile on his face. He should probably be more worried about getting sued, but the giddiness definitely overpowered any worry he should have felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obrigado por ler! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	3. I’m with you always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Breathe. It’s alright. You’re alright. Don’t worry, okay? I’ve got you.”

“Wow, why so eager to go home today?” Jisung leans onto his back, pushing him forward with his weight and slinging two heavy arms around his neck. “Got a date? No, wait. You never have dates. Maybe a movie you want to see? We can watch together! It’s always more fun when we’re together, right?” Jisung squeezes him and presses their cheeks together.

Changbin chuckles at his babbling and pats his arm. “Nah, nothing like that.” He’s still not planning on revealing anything and it does make him feel a tiny bit guilty. “I’m just really tired, you know? Must have been more nervous about the try-outs than I thought.”

That lie came out smoother than expected. Well, it wasn’t particularly a lie. Since the Bella-accident yesterday, he had been tired overall. The pressure about the try-outs must have really put a mental strain on him.

“Aw, old man Binnie-Binnie is tired, huh? Why don’t we cuddle and have a nap together then?” Jisung snuggles closer to him, a nice comfortable warmth on his back and Changbin feels heat creep into his cheeks at the close contact.

“Geez, Sungie- You don’t know what personal space is, do you?” He shakes himself in a half-hearted attempt to wiggle the extra weight off of his back.

“I do! I just kindly disregard those stupid rules.”

“But only if you’re around me.”

“You can’t know that!” Jisung says, but the following chuckle betrays him. “Let’s go and do something together~ Channie has to clean this week so we’re free. Oh! I know! We can go and sing karaoke! I love singing duets with you, it’s so nice! Do you remember last time? We had a whole crowd watching us! Or we can go to the arcade- “

“Sungie, hey- “Changbin grips the younger’s arm in a tight but friendly manner. “I’m really tired. We can spend the whole rest of the week together, if you want, okay? Just not today.”

Changbin feels the arms around him slacken and it is as if someone pulled the plug on Jisung’s enthusiasm. He doesn’t see him, but he knows there’s a pout on his lips now. He feels guilty, not liking to disappoint the younger. Why did he have to be this eager to do something today, of all days? “Oh, Sungie, come now. Don’t be sad. We can do whatever you want another day, alright? Promise.”

Jisung sighs and loosens himself from Changbin. Latter turns to look into the crestfallen face of his friend with a penetrating sting of guilt.

“Alright, tomorrow then.”

Changbin nods and smiles in an effort to cheer Jisung up and squeezes his shoulder. “Tomorrow, promise. Let’s do karaoke, okay?”

Jisung perks up with a smug grin. “Hah! I knew you loved to sing with me! I knew it- “

“Yes, yes- Come on, your voice is awesome, of course I love it.”

“I _know_ , that it’s awesome! Karaoke here we come!”

Changbin laughs and slings his bag over his shoulder. “Tomorrow Sungie, tomorrow!”

“Yes, yes, tomorrow. Just get enough sleep alright? Otherwise Chan will worry all day about you, like usual.”

“Yeah, right. _Chan_. You worry just as much as him, if not- “

Jisung shushes him with an awkward chuckle while shoving him towards the exit. “Yah, yah, stop. Just go and get some sleep.”

.

.

.

He enters his home roughly fifteen minutes later and discards his outdoor clothes before quickly checking his quaint apartment for cleanliness. Not perfect, but nothing to be ashamed of, at least. He’s about to make some last-minute arrangements, when there’s a knock on his door. It’s so soft, that he’s not sure if he just imagined it.

He fumbles out the worn phone from his pockets and reminds himself that this is indeed not a dream. He would open that door and there would be… There would be a fucking celebrity in front of it. With a giant gash on his cheek. Wow, this was just absurd. Exhilarating, absurd and a little scary. He swallows and places the blonde’s phone on his coffee table.

There’s another knock on the door, this time a little louder and Changbin licks his lips nervously before finally moving to open it. His movement is almost robotic when he grips the handle and pulls the wooden slab on hinges open.

And indeed, even the smallest speck of doubt is blown out of the window when Changbin looks into two brown orbs that peer out beneath a black cap. The same mask from yesterday hides half of his face and he’s packed in a big, fluffy, black coat.

“Hey.” He chokes out, his mouth catching up to the unreal situation before him. He moves to the side and gestures for the blonde to come in. Latter inclines his head gracefully and moves past him. Alone. Changbin waits for a few, unearthly moments but when no one follows him, he decides it would be wise to close the door to not look too weird.

“Thanks for having time so soon.”

The door clicks shut and Changbin wills himself to face the blonde, who stands before him, bare-faced. The cap and mask are bundled up in a pale hand, while the blonde cards his fingers through his hair to ruffle the flattened locks. His eyes flick to the stitched wound on the blonde’s cheek and he notices the angry red glow around the split skin. He swallows dryly, feeling uncharacteristically nervous.

“It’s not problem, really.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets and averts his gaze. “I’m sorry for that cut- “

“No, please. It was my own fault.” The blonde immediately cuts him off and sighs. Changbin looks up to see him walk over to the small patch of photos Jisung had insisted on erecting on his wall. The blonde scans them intently, almost as if he’s trying to make out every detail in them.

“I tried to outrun my bodyguards and didn’t look where I was going.” He continues after a moment, reaching up to run a finger over the crinkled edge of a group photo on which Changbin didn’t know half of the people present, but one doesn’t argue with Jisung when he was being creative. “Really, I was being stupid. I should apologise for destroying your- Well, whatever that was.”

Changbin quirks a small smile, oh, if Chan could’ve heard that. “Ah that thing, I should be thankful you broke it and I do hope that cut will heal well; it must be painful.” He takes a seat on his couch, eyeing the blonde who’s still stuck to the photos. There were a few silly shots present, but that wasn’t exactly a reason to look at them _this_ intently, right?

When the blonde doesn’t react, Changbin clears his throat and that seems to rip the other out of whatever daze he had fallen into.

“Oh! Sorry, I, uh, I- I love to… look at photographs?” He perks up with a sheepish smile, not sounding very convincing, but Changbin lets it slide when he plops down onto the couch next to Changbin with an outstretched hand and cutely reddened cheeks. “Anyway, I’m Felix.”

He takes the small fingers into his. “Changbin.” He smiles a small smile, trying to ignore the discreet pain of an incoming headache forming in the back of his head. Why now, of all times?

Felix squeezes his hand warmly and smiles, successfully making Changbin’s stomach do a flop. His smile _is_ dazzling.

“Please, don’t be so stiff. I’m just me. Just… treat me like you would friend, okay?”

Changbin nods, well aware that Felix still hasn’t let go of his hand. He licks his lips and lets out an accidental, nervous laugh. “Ah, sorry. It feels pretty unreal. I didn’t even recognize you yesterday, not at all, and now you suddenly sit here, next to me.” Why exactly was he sitting here, anyway? Didn’t he just want to get his phone?

“So… you do know me?” There’s a glint of hopeful excitement in the blonde’s eyes, and he slightly squeezes Changbin’s hand in his.

Changbin furrows his brows, because, _of course_ , he knew the blonde. He was all over the charts and radio. He must know that as well, right? Why was he looking so… hopeful? He bites the inside of his cheek; this headache is really starting to get annoying.

“Well, yeah, of course I do. Your music is like, all over the charts. I’ve seen some music videos of you too.”

That’s the truth and that’s what the blonde must have expected, and still Changbin has to watch how his posture slackens at Changbin’s words. Disappointment creeps into his eyes and he averts his face slightly.

“Ah, yes. Of course, I’m pretty well known, am I not?” The blonde smiles, but he can tell it is forced. It looks almost sad, almost as if there’s a spark of something hiding behind his carefully arranged expression.

Felix parts their hands and a dull ache forms in the back of his head. He can’t shake the feeling that he said something wrong, that he missed something. But where did he turn wrong? He had said nothing but the truth, nothing unexpected, so why?

He swallows roughly, but the ache in the back of his constricting throat does not yield. Felix gazes at him, their eyes connect and the blonde searches his, searches for something that Changbin cannot give him, because he doesn’t know what it is, yet everything in him screams to fulfil the silent plea.

The blonde averts his face and sighs, mouth turned into the ugly grimace of someone who wants to cry but has to smile. Changbin feels the strong urge to banish the expression from his face, but it’s as if his tongue is tied and his mind blown empty. His hands are tied and his heart is imploding. His head aches but his mind doesn’t give him any answers.

“I should get going, I’ve taken up enough of your time, haven’t I?” Felix fingers his phone, looking at him with a small, sad smile that penetrates every fibre of Changbin, like a stab right into his heart. He wants to protest, because the blonde could very well stay forever, he’d never take up too much of Changbin’s time, but no words leave him. He fists a hand into the fabric of his hoodie, feeling frustrated. The damned headache pulsating in his head didn’t help situation at all either.

Felix gets up from the couch and Changbin wants to reach out to him, but he doesn’t. Instead he clears his throat noisily. “No, wait.” He has to squeeze the words out, quite literally. His voice is raspy and strained, his mind somewhat sluggish and hazy. He scrunches his eyebrows together, every last bit of concentration leaving his body. What was happening to him?

The blonde looks at him, phone in hand but seems to freeze when he takes in Changbin’s pained expression. Two perfectly styled eyebrows scrunch up in worry and suddenly, he kneels before Changbin and uncurls his tense fingers.

“Hey, are you alright? You don’t look good. You’re really pale, does your head hurt? Come, lie down.”

Felix pushes him to lie down on the couch, not waiting for a response and Changbin can’t do anything but follow his lead, his mind too hazy to question anything. There’s something hot on his face and he belatedly realises that they’re tears. When had he started crying?

The sharp pain in his head made it impossible for him to follow up on anything. There were questions piling in his mind and with every single one of them, the ache increased, as if it was slowly overtaking him, eating him alive.

He feels a sob break out of his lips and presses a hand against his temple in a vain attempt to ease the pain.

“Hey.” A warm touch on his forehead makes him shift his eyes to connect with gentle brown ones. “Breathe. It’s alright. You’re alright. Don’t worry, okay? I’ve got you.”

“God, please.” He gasps, sharp jab of pain shooting through his head like thunder through air. He squeezes his eyes together, pressing his palms onto his eyes harshly. He wills the pain away, he tries to breathe regularly, but it doesn’t work. Why does nothing help? Why did it hurt so much? He feels himself grow dizzy, fading in and out of conscious, but the pain never leaves.

There are sounds surrounding him, but he can’t tell what’s real and what’s not. He just gasps for air, trying to fill his lungs, begging to whomever will listen to make the pain stop. _Just stop, please_.

Just as a pained sob slips out of his lips, someone rips his seemingly stuck in place hands away from his eyes. He opens them, cringing at the painful brightness of the room and looks directly into Chan’s worried gaze.

“Bin, are you okay? What’s happening? Is it your head? You nose is bleeding too…”

He opens his mouth to respond, but only a croak leaves it. Jisung appears next to Chan and puts a warm hand on his jaw before pressing a tissue under his nose.

“It’s alright, Binnie. It’ll be better soon, okay? Just breathe easy and look at my handsome face.” Changbin doesn’t like the pained expression on the younger’s face, but seeing him and hearing his soothing voice takes the edge of the pain somewhat. He feels warm fingers caress his skin, a soft and nice feeling he can’t enjoy through the pain.

“Where…?” He presses out, not understanding what’s happening. Where was Felix? Why were Chan and Jisung suddenly here? He tries to move his head, but Jisung keeps him firmly in position.

Chan leans in closer, eyes filled with pity. “He’s not here anymore, Bin. Listen, you need to calm down, okay? Close your eyes, relax, breathe and sleep, okay? It’s important you do.” Jisung nods along eagerly and Changbin feels the younger’s thumb caressing his wet cheek.

There’s a sniffle coming from somewhere off to the side, and Changbin knows that Chan’s lying. Felix was still here. He wants to move his head, wants to say something but his limps do not listen to him and Jisung’s grip is unwavering. He feels a sting on his arm and then his veins ignite with warmth.

He stares at Chan who looks regretful and Jisung who looks scared and on the verge of tears. All eyes were on him, all filled with worry and sadness, with apologies and pity. So much pity.

The edges of his vision blur with darkness and undefeatable tiredness overwhelms him in seconds.

_Why_ were they pitying him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Děkuji za přečtení! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	4. I love you since that day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They would not just… leave him alone, right? There’s the sound of branches snapping to his right and the crunching of dried leaves to his left. There are a few patches in which the foremost layer of softened fabric is ripped open, revealing mushy insides and making trails of violet fluids run towards the ceiling, accumulating in a puddle. It's pretty. Where was everyone? The windows offer only a dim light. He opens his mouth to speak, trying to welcome it. Why was his heart pounding? Strangers peer at him. Chan is sobbing. They’re right to laugh. Like a fire fed with oil. It had been, hadn’t it?

He wakes with his heart pounding and startles into a sitting position. Something falls into his lap; it’s a bloodied tissue. He discards of it onto the nightstand wihtout much thought and listens. The room is silent. It’s his room but it looks strangely untouched. Hadn’t he left his clothes from yesterday on the floor? Why weren’t they there anymore?

He’s a little dizzy, but it doesn’t stop him from swinging his legs over the bedside and standing up. For a moment, it feels as if his feet were to sink into the floor, before it miraculously hardens and he finds his footing. He sways where he stands and leans against the wardrobe to steady himself. Wasn’t there a mirror on the front once?

He swallows, eyes searching the room for clues of its weirdness. It looks like always, but the air feels different, it _looks_ different. With squinted brows, he walks towards the door, Chan and Jisung would surely be here, wouldn’t they? They would not just… leave him alone, right?

“Sungie?” He opens the door and the living room behind is dark. The windows offer only a dim light, which makes weirdly crooked shadows grow from the trees and furniture. Still in the doorway, he is undecided on what to do. There are no answers, only silence. Thick and palpable, with a bloody aftertaste. Where was everyone?

He feels his room’s safe aura pull on him insistently, as if it beckons for him to return to the still warm sheets and lavish their softness on his skin, but he steps into the living as if on his own, ignoring the urge. The door falls shut behind him with a weird croak that he’s sure he has never heard before. He clears his throat almost nervously, unsure of what to do. Why was his heart pounding?

There’s the sound of branches snapping to his right and the crunching of dried leaves to his left, sounds as if someone walks towards him, but when he looks around, there is no person there. Instead, he notices a thick, green branch grow out of the space above his TV stand. It flails around, growing rapidly, every centimetre giving it more hardness, more definition, until a fully-grown branch with several forks presents itself before him.

The tapestry around its root is ripped, yet it nestles almost lovingly to the greened bark. No leaves grow, it looks lifeless, yet alive. He blinks and when he opens his eyes, there’s an owl perching on it, watching him with big, red eyes, unblinking. Its stare is penetrating and unyielding, even when he moves just a step, its eyes follow him. He squints at its feathered form, unsure if it had always been there or not. It had been, hadn’t it?

He opens his mouth to speak, trying to welcome it, because that was the respectful thing to do as a homeowner, but no words leave his parted lips when the owl screeches loudly and cuts him off without mercy. Not wanting his welcome, not wanting his words. It must have its own story to tell.

He nods, averting his gaze to listen to the ensuring silence. There’s a distinct sound coming from above him, a ticking from the kitchen and lowly whispers from under him. His skin itches and when he looks at his fingers, the skin peels off in a white wave of dead particles. He runs his hand over the offending sight, making his hand shine with bright spots of golden light. They break through his skin like an ocean of lampions, moving and flying under his skin, as if someone had implanted torch bugs under it. _Pretty_.

His eyes fall on the couch before him. It’s yellow and worn down. It’s his couch, even though he knows he bought a black one. There are a few patches in which the foremost layer of softened fabric is ripped open, revealing mushy insides and making trails of violet fluids run towards the ceiling, accumulating in a puddle.

A scratchy sound makes him look up to see the owl run its sharp claws over the smooth surface of the orange branch it’s sitting on. He hears a sob, loud and heartbreakingly familiar. Chan sits on the couch, head buried in his arms and the cushion. His shoulders shake like an earthquake and even his destroyed, bleached hair looks unusually lifeless. He listens to his crying, it’s like a melody long forgotten. Chan cries rarely, not often, sometimes, now and then, usually and quite often to all the time. It tugs at his heartstrings, his empathy flaring up like a fire fed with oil.

He doesn’t want to see him cry, doesn’t want to see him broken. Chan deserves the world. Deserves all the smiles. He takes a step towards him to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but at his touch, the elder dissipates into billows of smoke. His hand jerks back, the smoke dances through the room, dances around him almost teasingly and then flies towards his flowered tapestry before it disappears as if it had never existed in the first place.

_Channie is suffering so much. He cries and cries and cries. Sometimes I hear him beg, I don’t to whom he’s begging to. I tried to talk to him, tried to hug him – he’s doesn’t allow it. He’s isolating himself, stays in his room for days at a time… I had to bring him food multiple times, had to make sure he ate. I don’t know what to do anymore, I fear I’ll lose him to his grief._

His hand drops to his side with a clothed thud. He turns to look at the owl, wants to insult it, wants to shove the guilt onto it, but it’s gone. All that’s left is the richly blossoming icy blue branch, that carries cherry red flowers.

Outside, the wind howls and pushes against his windows insistently, trying to force its way inside like burglar, but failing. The air stands still and the living room is brightly lit, sun illuminating him, warming his cold skin. His soft, yellow tapestry reflects the light, as if trying to engulf the whole room into happiness. It’s nice, it’s a good feeling, uplifting but not overwhelming.

Footsteps appear behind him, hurried but light and he turns around to see Jisung running at him from afar. There’s an ugly grimace of sad happiness on his face, shiny, bloodshot eyes, wet cheeks and a happy grin. A sight that conflicts him. He hates seeing Jisung cry. Jisung was supposed to smile, to laugh and to be happy. He wanted him to be happy, always. There was no other human he wanted to have happiness more.

He opens his arms to receive the impending, impetuous hug, looking forward to it, cracking a smile at the thought of it, but Jisung runs straight through him, dissolving into wallows of blue smoke as if them touching was acid, toxic and deadly. Not meant to be, never meant to be. A cold shiver runs through his body, poking into his heart with an unkind, uncaring finger.

_Jisung is… I don’t know, he doesn’t talk to me. He’s never talked much, to me at least. I thought he was doing well, but just yesterday I found him crying his eyes out in a corner. I don’t know why he doesn’t talk, why he’s hiding from me. I feel so bad for him… I- I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to help, but he doesn’t let me._

He drops his arms, feeling cold. The sun diminishes, disappearing, fleeting like life itself. He rubs a hand over tear stained cheeks. When did he start crying? He shakes himself, trying to rid the tears and the cold that’s settling deep inside of him. Why was he so cold? He walks to the heater, hoping to warm himself on its caring metal, but it’s gone. The wall is empty and crumbled like an old Victorian building that barely survived a war. Bricks stick out and pink dust settles beneath them on the ground.

A cold breeze brushes over his neck, eliciting goosebumps that travel from it to every last patch of skin on his body. He stiffens, the wind must have finally found a way inside, past closed windows and tightly shut doors; escaping watching eyes and bulging trees.

He turns around and finds blood dripping onto the ground in a circle around him. Instinctively, he touches the skin under his nose, but they remain undirtied. Confused, he looks up, looks up at the clear night sky shining with its endless expanse of forever undiscovered wonders. Where did the blood come from?

He looks through his living room, past a deadened, black branch that cracks and crumbles, past his sodden, worn down, red couch, over cupboards and crossed tapestry, but there is nothing. With squinted brows, he walks towards the small, half opened room that harbours shoes and jackets alike. The big mirror before him is dull at first, but then it reveals his small form in all its truth: Bloody tears run down his cheeks, reddened out whites of his eyes and somewhat split pupils stare back at him out of his own face.

A known sight, not unexpected yet enlightening. His throat is gashed and a multitude of cuts expand over every centimetre of bared skin. They do not bleed, but they stare at him with unabashed accusation. He blinks, closing his eyes for a moment only and when he opens them again, he looks back into the eyes of another.

Strangers peer at him, two over their shoulder and one from next to him. Their eyes hold amusement, their faces smiles. He returns it without thinking, the emotion coming to him naturally. For a moment they watch each other, make out every detail of each other’s faces, then they break out laughing, turning around, holding their bellies or hiding their bared teeth behind a ringed hand.

His smile widens, unknown emotions of experienced conversations flooding through him. They’re right to laugh, it is funny, sad, but funny. They stop after a moment, and their languid voices bring up pleasant chatter. Words he can’t hear touch his heart and facial expressions he reciprocates to the fullest make him feel the usual warmth of their presence.

A windshield wiper slides over the mirror’s insides, blurring the picture before him with wetness that hadn’t been there previously. He reaches up in an effort to stop it from disrupting their talks, but when his fingers touch the heated skin of the mirror, it explodes, sending shards flying everywhere like a deadly firework.

_I… I try not to think about it, but it’s hard. Wherever I go, I never seem to be able to forget. I… At least, they were together, right? That counts for something. It has to… I- I couldn’t imagine them being apart. They would be so… lonely. Still, I breathe and with every turn I make, I miss them. **So** much._

His head drops as well as his hand, shoulder burdened with the deadly dead done. Cold bitterness settles in his stomach and sends waves of icy desperation through him. Why, just why? He wants to cower in a corner, wants to close his eyes and sleep, wants to forget but at the same time, wants to burn everything so deeply into his memory, that he will never forget.

He's tired. He walks back to the living room, but stops when his feet touch the grassy doorway. He looks up, blinded by the sun above, peeking through plush whites of condensed water. A gentle breeze caresses him, moves his hair and guides his eyes towards what needs his attention. The ground is covered in blossoms of all sorts and colours, stretching everywhere, into an endless expanse of fleeting beauty.

He hears sniffles and sees Felix standing in the middle of the field. The tears roll down his face in waves, mouth tugged into a desperate frown and eyes shimmering with an ocean of sadness. The blonde holds out his hand to him and Changbin walks forward to take it in his, wanting to comfort the blonde, wanting to make him feel better. Felix was a sunshine; he was supposed to smile.

He crushes flowers under his feet as he walks eagerly towards him, fingers itching to comfort. Their hands touch and then they don’t. The blonde’s image shatters before him, like a glitch not fitting into this world in which he belongs. As if Changbin had made him so, had made him unfitting, had destroyed his place in this world.

_I feel bad for Felix, he cries so much. He’s barely home anymore. I would know, because people started to call **me** of all people to ask for him. I had to make sure he takes breaks, had to shoo him away. He puts up a brave front, but it’s obvious that it isn’t true. I can’t imagine how he feels, or maybe I can, just too well._

He closes his eyes and presses a flat hand to his heated forehead. He sinks down, laying on the soft ground. The flowers bent down to him, as if trying to push him into the ground. He wants to touch them, but they crumble to ashes immediately. And so he lies there, surrounded by the ashes of the normalcy that remains. Like quicksand, the ground he lays upon pulls at him, trying to swallow him into the abysmal depth beyond.

He opens his eyes for a last time, taking in the unravelling truth, before all is black, before the ground swallows him whole and he can’t see anymore, not even his own hand before his very eyes.

He falls. His thoughts are empty and running wild at the same time. Chan is sobbing, Jisung is softly whispering, Felix sniffles silently and others are animatedly talking and chuckling – voices interchangeable, talking together in union and splitting off, distinct, yet not recognizable.

He closes his eyes. He’s tired, he wants to sleep. It’s cold and he is falling.

_But no matter what, I’ve got you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Täname, et lugesite! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	5. I’ve seen you smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2018, that was… two years ago. Chan nods. “You don’t remember any of it, do you?” “I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late, sorry

He opens his eyes to a green ceiling. Dim light filtered through a curtain illuminate the room, stinging his eyes. A headache persistent but light as a feather settles into his forehead, it’s there but not really recognizable. An aftertaste of dreams long forgotten and medicine he doesn’t remember taking clings to his tongue like a kitten to a ball of yarn.

He rubs a hand over his eyes and sits up. The room is silent and he startles when he looks to the side and makes direct eye contact with Chan.

“Oh, fuck.” He scrunches his brows in surprise and puts a hand over his heavily beating heart. “Couldn’t you have said anything?”

Chan looks sheepish and rubs a hand over his neck. “I- “He sighs, “Sorry.” The eldest licks his lips and breathes out, almost as if to steady himself. “How are you feeling?”

“I, uhm- I feel good?” Why wouldn’t he, anyway?

Chan nods, looking a little more at ease. “That’s good. Do you… remember what happened?”

Changbin eyes him with unmasked confusion. “Of course, I do.”

Chan’s eyebrows rise at his answer, he musters him with an unsure expression and Changbin feels annoyed that he doesn’t believe his words. The elder bites his lip. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I…” He begins, but falters when his mind only offers him blanks as answers. He tries to lift his other hand to scratch his neck, but he finds it secured in warmth he hadn’t previously noticed. Kneeling on the ground, head nestled on the sheets and seemingly asleep while clinging to him is Jisung. He breathes out, squeezing the hand and immediately feeling better knowing he’s here, with him.

Chan hums, catching his attention and Changbin is reminded of the still unanswered question. He clears his throat, he knows what he wants to say, but he feels somewhat sluggish, as if he doesn’t want to say what he doesn’t yet know he will.

“Ugh, I… I was in the car.” He finally gets out and Chan stiffens next to him, so obvious that Changbin flicks his gaze to him. “With… Minho, Hyunjin… Seungmin and Jeongin.” He licks his lips. “Innie was… sleeping on my lap and the others… they were making fun of me. Because I- I yet again chickened out of confessing… Then- “His eyes flick from Chan to Jisung and to the ceiling, heart pounding in his chest. “Then there was a truck. Minho was screaming… And- and we swerved, and… and- “He breaks off, feeling hot and cold. He looks down onto himself, looks at his smooth skin and red sheets. He moves his feet and squeezes Jisung’s fingers who return the comforting pressure immediately. “Why… Why am I in my bed? Shouldn’t… I be…” He squints his eyes not understanding. He looks at Jisung who is suddenly wide awake, soft eyes on him. “What _happened_?” he whispers, afraid that the truth of the answer might burry him alive.

Jisung averts his eyes but tightens the grip on his fingers. Chan clears his throat and Changbin looks at him. “Bin, that’s…” He pursues his lips and kneads his hands almost anxiously. His eyes flick to the door and back towards Changbin as if he’s contemplating fleeing. “What year do we have?”

“2020.”

“Yes.” Chan sighs, shoulder slackening with relief and Changbin doesn’t understand. Why is he so relieved? Chan fixes him with somewhat relieved eyes and brows creased in worry. “Okay, that’s good. Do you… remember where you were heading in the car? You remember the date of that day?”

Changbin frowns when his mind forbids him to answer with yesterday. He mulls over the memory, scrunching his eyes and playing with Jisung’s smooth fingers. The memory of that car ride, it’s in his mind clear and pristine. Every expression and word burned into his mind, like a perfectly rendered HD movie whose ending he knew but couldn’t remember. Where were they heading? Why had they been so happy?

They had… come from a tournament. Right, they had visited an esports event. Had cheered for their favourite team and then it had won and they had been elated. He smiles at the memory of them all cheering and group hugging, spilling liquid and popcorn all over the place.

Jeongin had been excited most of all, had been like a ball of energy. When they drove back, the energy had left the youngest like air would an opened dinghy. He had fallen asleep on Changbin’s lap who had petted his hair and listened to Seungmin’s cooing. There had been entry tickets clutched in the youngest fingers, roughened paper that he wanted to preserve as a cherished memory.

He combs a hand through his hair in distress. Knowledge of the written text invading his mind like an unwelcome guest that he couldn’t get rid of, so he opened his mouth to lighten the burden. “It was… 2018.” He breathes out, realising what it meant with words spoken aloud.

2018, that was… two years ago.

He looks down at Jisung who’s eyes are glassy and who’s hand is holding onto him tightly, almost like a lifeline. When his eyes meet Chan’s, the eldest musters him with a blank expression, not revealing answers to the questions piling in his head. If that had been two years ago… That evening in the car… And now, now it was 2020. Why did he only remember it now?

Changbin creases his brows and huffs in annoyance at himself, why was he unable to piece the information together? He bites his lips, trying to remember what he had done yesterday. Yesterday… he was… he was with Chan and Jisung. His eyes widen and he exhales shakily, yes, yesterday and every day before that he had spent with Chan and Jisung. First slowly, but then more intensely and with rapidly increasing speed memories of almost two years seem to flood him with surprising strength. The internet café, the try-outs, their chill evenings and spending impossible amounts of time singing and making up songs with Jisung…

He coughs noisily, overwhelmed with what he’s experiencing and Jisung immediately moves closer, placing a warm palm on his neck. “Binnie, it’s okay. Don’t force it.”

“No- No. I remember…” He takes Jisung’s hand and squeezes it, appreciating his worry. “I remember, we bought the internet café… I had try-outs yesterday… and I- Fuck, did I really… Did I forget that night, two years ago? All this time…”

There’s a bitter sweet smiles on Chan’s face, he looks pained and just nods at his question. “It… was to be expected.”

Changbin’s head spins in confusion, what of the others? What of them? What had happened all this time, where was everyone? “Please,” he turns desperate eyes from Chan to Jisung. “Tell me, what happened?”

Chan looks thoughtful, him and Jisung having a conversation seemingly with their eyes only. “Ah, maybe we can… But, first… Do you- do you remember who Felix is?”

Of course, he remembered who Felix is, what a silly question was that? Felix. Lee Felix who Changbin had been in love with since the very day they met, Felix with his crescent eyes and freckled cheeks, Felix who he had tried to confess to, but had always chickened out of.

…Felix.

Felix, who he hadn’t talked to for two whole years, Felix who was a celebrity now.

His eyes widen. He had forgotten Felix. All this time he had listened to his music not knowing who sang the words, had gone about his life, forgetting the deep intensity of his feelings he had held for the blonde… Had forgotten about him. Hadn’t recognised him even as they stood before each other.

Fuck.

He breathes out shakily, newfound guilt settling in the pit of his stomach like a rock. How could he have forgotten him? He cards a hand through his hair, nervous and unsure, not entirely grasping the situation but then again, grasping too much for his liking.

“Do you?” Jisung prompts, brushing a soft thumb over Changbin’s hand.

“I do.”

“Okay… That’s good.” Chan says, words drawn out. “We will try something, can you look to the door, Bin?”

Changbin quirks a brow but looks to the door anyway.

“Come in, ‘lix.”

The door opens slowly, hesitation obvious in the movement. It reveals Felix, same clothes as yesterday, but face not as pristine. His eyes are bloodshot and there’re deep circles under his eyes. He stands in the doorway, unsure and ready to flee but when nothing happens, the blonde lifts his eyes to look at Changbin.

They stare at each other, both lost for words.

“Do you feel alright looking at him?” Chan asks after a felt eternity and he nods briskly, not completely understanding the question. Why wouldn’t he?

“Okay. Okay, that’s… that’s good. Come in, then, ‘lix.” Chan pats the space further up, next to Changbin’s pillow and Felix follows the request like an obedient puppy.

“Alright. This is… a little complicated. I’m not sure it’s a good idea, but since you remember Felix… We’ll try.” Chan licks his lips and shifts. “Do you remember anything from shortly after the car ride?”

Changbin shakes his head, eyes flicking from Chan to Felix who avoids his gaze, playing with his fingers instead.

“Nothing at all?”

He sighs, rubbing a hand over tired eyes. “I… I don’t know, my memory is hazy…” He wants to stop talking, but remembers bits of the weird dream he had, suddenly having an odd sense of being able to place them. “Wait… I think I remember… someone talking to me?” He looks at the three before him in turn, but their eyes do not betray anything. “Someone talked to me a lot… about all kinds of things…” He ponders over what he can still remember of the dream. “But I never answered. Why… Why did I never answer? Was I- was I in a coma or something?”

He looks to Chan and the elder nods, confirming what he doesn’t want to believe. “Yes. You were in a coma for almost two whole months.” Chan states and suddenly all three of them start to shift in their spots. Chan sighs and Jisung squeezes his hand before speaking up.

“That night… You guys, you had an accident. You were heading home from an E-Sports tournament.” Jisung locks eyes with him. “You, Minho, Seungmin, Hyunjin and Jeongin were in the car. A truck… swerved onto your lane, it crashed into you.” He pauses and Changbin feels he knows where this is going, he wants him to stop talking, even though he knows that the truth cannot be hid from. “It was…” Jisung trails off, directing pleading eyes towards Chan.

“Minnie, Jinnie and Minho… They were instantly dead.” Chan finishes without hesitation, saying words so terrible with practiced ease, still he is unable to hide the underlaying pain in his voice. “Innie is still in a coma… He might wake up one day.”

Changbin feels numb, it’s a little as if he was above himself, somewhere else and just watching himself experiencing this situation. “He’s alive?”

“He is. I visit him every other week.” Felix speaks up from next to him for the first time. “He’s neither getting better nor worse.”

Changbin nods, relief dulled by the knowledge of what had happened. He shifts and squeezes Jisung’s hand in a desperate search for something solid, something that comforts him. They look at each other, eyes filled empathy and sadness meeting.

“It’s also true… that we visited you a lot.” Felix says, breaking Changbin’s and Jisung’s eyes contact.

“A lot?” Jisung snickers, a sound unfitting for the situation. “We were with you so often, the nurses found it both cute and annoying.” The younger smiles a little, but neither Chan nor Felix join in.

“I just… I didn’t want you to be lonely, so I came to talk to you every day.” The blonde looks at Changbin almost shyly.

Jisung nods in silent agreement, not adding anything to the conversation but instead intertwining his and Changbin’s fingers.

Changbin looks down at the crumbled sheets in the following silence, feeling touched but also saddened at what his friends had done – had felt they needed to do.

“I… don’t know what to say. Thank you.” He looks from Jisung, who nods with a small smile, to Felix whose eyes shine with so much sadness, that looking at him feels like a stab in his gut. He averts his eyes from him, not able to deal with the guilt that look sparks in him.

Chan clears his throat, breaking the somber moment, “There’s more, actually. Some things you should know, do you feel okay? Should I tell you?”

No, no he really didn’t want to know more, he could already feel that it wouldn’t be anything good, with the way Chan was looking at him. But did he really have a choice? He needed to know what happened, wanted to, but at the same time, didn’t want to.

“Yeah, just… Just tell me.”

Chan nods, sympathy lacing his features. “Okay. After the accident, you were in an extremely critical condition. You died almost two times, but the medics were able to resuscitate you. At the hospital, they told us that we shouldn’t have too much hope. They were certain you’d die.” Chan pauses and puts a hand on Felix shoulder, the boy looking anything but okay. “You had heavy brain trauma. They put you in a coma, hoping it would save your life. It was… The first days after were terrible, but roughly a week later your condition suddenly improved a lot. The doctors were extremely surprised, even more so when you woke up with a perfect recollection of everything that had happened.”

He couldn’t remember any of that. Nothing at all. Had it really happened?

“Yeah, the doctors were set on the notion that you would have strong amnesia, which you hadn’t.” Jisung continues when Chan nudges him with his knee. “They watched you for a few weeks and run tests and eventually, they released you.” Jisung smiles when he speaks the words. “At that point, Chan, Felix and I had moved in together, had prepared you a room too.” Jisung sighs, smile falling of his face. “For a few weeks, everything was good. We were mourning, we visited the graveyard and also Jeongin. It was a weird kind of normalcy that returned to us, but it was nice.”

“You don’t remember any of it, do you?” Felix asks, sounding as if he already knew the answer.

Changbin shakes his head, “No, I don’t.”

“I thought so.” Chan says, leaning back in his chair. “Because it was good for a few weeks, it felt as we could finally move on, but then… One night, you were alone with Felix and well, you broke down. Felix… Could you?”

Felix shifts in his seat, looking as if he’d rather do anything else but continue the tale. “Ah, it was… We were watching a movie and well you just- you suddenly got the worst nosebleed I’ve ever seen. Blood was everywhere and- and you had a headache too- I- I ended up calling an ambulance when you became unresponsive…”

“Long story short, you had an aneurysm.” Chan finishes, moving his hand to pat Felix’s shaking knee. “When you woke up, you didn’t remember anything. Not the accident, or anyone despite me and Jisung.”

Oh. _Oh._

Changbin stiffens, though the numbness of too much information and inability to catch up to what had happened, to what was being said had long since enveloped him in a soothing embrace of blankness. He understood that these things had happened, but his emotions didn't yet connect to the truth. He looks from Chan to Felix and lastly Jisung, who notices his hesitation and continues to speak.

“As you might have realised, your memory didn't come back. We tried reintroducing Felix to you, but you got strong headaches just seeing him... They eventually developed into panic attacks. In the end we had to stop trying, it was too dangerous. So...” He pauses momentarily to flick his eyes to Felix. “So, Felix had to go. “

Chan winces and Jisung’s face scrunches up in pain. Changbin looks to Felix, who has his eyes fixed on a spot behind Changbin’s head and doesn't react. He has the urge to take the blondes hand and squeeze it, but it feels as if there's a thick, impenetrable wall of guilt and forgotten feelings between them, so he holds back.

“The rest you know. We bought the internet cafe, and well, roughly half a year after the accident, you wanted to become part of the team you and the others had watched play the evening of the accident.” Chan huffs, looking as if he still couldn't believe it had happened.

“It was so unreal.” Jisung chimes in, looking at him in wonder. “It was as if deep down, you wanted to show us that you hadn’t forgotten, that you had known all along.”

“Yeah,” Chan nods with a small smile, “and while these things happened, Felix went off to become a one-hit wonder. But… that’s his story to tell.” Chan squeezes the blonde’s shoulder and shakes him a little, trying to get a reaction but failing.

Silence stretches after the last words are spoken and Changbin feels himself grow tired, the sheer amount of information he just absorbed tearing at his mind. A stoic kind of acknowledgement mixed with guilt and disbelief combining themselves into a mind-numbing mixture.

Chan looks at him with wary eyes, likely fearing that he would fall over with a nosebleed any second. His overprotectiveness and immediate concern whenever he had a headache in the past suddenly making a lot of sense.

Jisung is holding his hand tightly, looking up at him with a reassuring smile, that tells him that everything will be alrigh _t._ Changbin brushes his thumb over his hands, thankful for it. Thankful, that he never lost hope, that he always looked forward positively and dragged him along, not leaving him behind.

When he looks to Felix, he feels whatever spark of hope Jisung had ignited in him be snuffed out like a candle in a storm. The blonde stares off into space, face aligned into a careful mask of indifference which can’t hide the pain so clearly visible in his eyes. Changbin can’t imagine what he must have felt, must have gone through or even what he feels now – so he doesn’t try to.

“Guys, I- I'm sorry, but I think I need a nap.”

“Sure, Bin. Rest as much as you need to.” Chan gets up, pats his shoulder and pulls a protesting Jisung with him out of the room.

As soon as the door clicks shut, he swallows nervously, knowing that Chan had tried to help, giving him and Felix a chance to talk alone for a moment. But what was he supposed to say? After everything that had happened...

Changbin peers at him and smiles sheepishly when their eyes meet. He fists the sheets and sighs.

“Sunshine…” The nickname used so many times feels foreign on his lips. “I’m so sorry…”

The blonde’s eyes soften and he leans in a bit closer. “Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault.”

“But...”

Felix shakes his head and cuts him off with a hand in his shoulder. “You should rest, we can talk another time.”

He nods, knowing it's for the best but still feels an overwhelming urge to make it better. He takes Felix’s hand in his own and presses a kiss as soft as the touch of a butterfly on it. He hears Felix's breath stutter before he pulls his hand out of his grip hastily. The blonde gets up with an unreadable expression on his face before hesitant fingers skim a gently touch through Changbin's hair.

“Sleep well,” he whispers, and then he leaves without another word.

And whenever he wakes in his restless sleep, he expects to see the blonde at his bedside, only to be met with blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♥ ¡ƃuᴉpɐǝɹ ɹoɟ sʞuɐɥ┴ ♥


	6. And held your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s like quiet, invisible sadness. How long had he been suffering alone that he would just break down at the sight of another’s tears?

That night a week ago, maybe he should have realised that the look in Felix’s eyes had meant goodbye. He had woken up later that evening with Jisung curled up next to him and Chan sleeping on the chair by the bed. Felix was nowhere to be found, nor was his phone. The blonde had disappeared, hadn’t left any means of communication behind – he was gone, just like that.

The week after, he had spent talking with doctors, had been checked and scanned and measured, had answered a hundred questions and sank into his bed in the evenings, mind a mess. At first it had been hard to distinguish feelings, emotions and memories from now and then – but with the days passing and Jisung clinging to his side like a squirrel hungry for hazelnuts he managed it well enough.

There still was the period between his first awakening and the aneurysm, that he could not remember at all. Jisung had filled him in on what had happened, about their fears and happiness for Changbin’s and Jeongin’s survival, about the burials of their three friends and about having to deal with Changbin forgetting Felix – and the others.

He still could not imagine what they must have gone through. Felix especially; being left alone, suddenly losing all of his seven best friends, just like that. Left alone like a kitten unwanted, released onto the foreign streets with nowhere to go, meowing for help, for warmth but not being able to receive any.

Long talks with Chan and Jisung took much of the guilt that he felt – especially when Chan switched into his therapist mode and squeezed every tiny flare of emotion out of him, comforted him and made him see the truth: He was innocent, it was not his fault, none of it.

Still, it didn’t hinder Changbin from wishing it hadn’t happened. Sometimes he caught himself trying to text Minho and ask for advice, he would see extravagant clothes in stores and wanted to make a photo for Hyunjin or- or he’d hear Day6 on the radio and thought of Seungmin, thought about how much he would love their new songs. But he wouldn’t be able to reach any of them, not anymore. They were long since gone.

The grief wasn’t fresh, not as fresh as he had thought it would be. He was sad, but not overly so. He mostly felt the unfairness of the situation: They had been young, they had had all their lives before them, _together_ , they had always wanted to stay together. Together, the eight of them, until eternity. And now? Only three remained together. Jeongin was in a coma, with no guarantee that he would ever wake up and Felix…

Changbin wasn’t sure if he could say that he knew the blonde anymore. Two years was maybe not a long time for most, but so much had happened for Felix. He was famous; known all over Korea. He had been forced to go, to leave his self-made family behind. Because of him. After all that, how wouldn’t he be different?

He sighs and combs a hand through his already dishevelled hair, probably messing it up enough for a few strands to fall over his undercut. The headset nestled around his neck is still cold to the touch and reminds him that now was no time to mull over things that had long since happened.

Ironic, isn’t it? That he would partake in the try-outs for the team they had cheered for that night and now? Now he waits for them to tell him if he had made it or not. It feels different to him now. Now it isn’t just the team he likes most, the team he just wants to be on because he wants it – now he also did it for Minho, Seungmin and Hyunjin.

“They wrote you yet?” Jisung pops up behind him, making him startle. The younger slings his arms around his neck and rests his head on top of Changbin’s.

“Nope.“

“You think they’ll write you? I think they’re gonna call, they’re streaming right now as well- “

“Yeah! They do it the same way on the other teams! You got your camera activated and all?”

Two of their regulars peer over to him, looking as excited as Jisung sounds.

“Oh, uh I think?” He didn’t really think about it before, he tries to lean forward in order to check but Jisung pulls him back, hugging him tightly. “Yah, I need to check- “

“You really think we’ll be live?”

“Sure! How lame would it be if it's just a text message?”

He feels Jisung shake with excitement behind him. “Woah! That’s so cool, holy shit! CHANNIE! Come here, we’ll be live!” The younger’s voice carries through the whole room and Changbin stiffens in his seat.

“Hey- Wait! Who said I want you to be on that stream?!” He turns around and Jisung’s arms slacken, revealing the view of the younger’s mischievous grin. “Sungie, don’t you- “

“WE’LL BE LIVE?!” Chan suddenly bursts through the door breathing hard, apron tied around his middle and spatula in hand. The elder looks _thrilled_ and positions himself next to Changbin fast as lightning. “Oh boy, we’ll be famous! EVERYONE! Come here, let’s make Bin look like someone cool! Come on!” He waves the spatula through the air with a giddy grin, hitting Jisung square in the face and nearly hitting Changbin too, if he hadn’t dodged it in the last second.

“Ya! Careful!” Jisung knocks the shiny tool out of Chan’s hand with a half amused and half annoyed expression.

“Guys, wait- “Changbin tries to get up to avoid the impending catastrophe, but Chan pushes him back down with an innocent smile and an unfair amount of strength, damn him and his frequent gym visits. “Chan, I swear- “But it’s too late, he already hears a cacophony of moving chairs and footsteps erupt and seconds later, all their regulars and a handful of others squeeze themselves next to him.

Great, now he’ll totally make a fool of himself.

Before he can try to deescalate the situation, an incoming call appears on the screen, sound playing over the speakers and alerting absolutely everyone – who even had switched the damn sounds to play loud?!

“For fucks sake, answer it!” Jisung flicks his forehead from where he’s nestled into Changbin’s side – literally, because Jisung had absolutely no respect for Changbin’s personal space whatsoever, not even in situation like these. _Especially_ not in these.

“What the hell, Sungie- “He rubs the stinging spot on his face, it would likely be red in a few seconds, fabulously red, like his cheeks, which he could feel heating up from Jisung’s closeness and the incoming certainty of embarrassment. He opens his mouth to let out another round of curses, but quickly snaps it shut when he sees someone reach out to accept the call.

With a click, a loading screen appears and shortly thereafter, the team’s captain sits before him, grinning amusedly at the camera. “Well, hey Changbin! Got a whole team cheering for you, huh?” He chuckles and waves with a hand somewhere offscreen, likely beckoning someone to look as well.

He laughs awkwardly in reply, batting Chan’s finger that’s pressing into his cheek away. “Yeah, lovely people, really. Couldn’t hold them back.” The pressure from everyone squeezing around him increases, pushing him slightly forward. Oh, how Chan would pay for this.

Jisung suddenly squeaks, an oddly cute sound and Changbin feels more than sees him loose his balance and topple onto his lap. Everyone around him bursts out laughing, the captain included and Changbin stops himself from shoving him off his lap like he deserves and instead cracks a smile, ruffling the younger’s hair a little too harshly. “Such lovely people indeed, right Sungie?”

“Okay, okay! We can get back to you later, we really didn’t mean to interrupt you or anything!” The captain says, voice amused as he winks jokingly.

“Ah, no, no! It’s fine, really. Just too many admirers, it’s hard to keep them in check, but my attention is all on you, chief.” Changbin jokes back, surprised at his own smoothness when he manages to grin cheekily. Inside he is dying the death of one thousand and one embarrassments. At least it overpowered the nervousness he feels.

The captain laughs. “Ah, that’s good! We definitely made a good decision in choosing you for our team! You’ll fit right in, just keep your fans in check, will you?”

The last part is said in jest, but he isn’t really listening anymore. Did he actually…?

Jisung suddenly shakes him from where he’s still sitting on his lap. “OH MY GOD HE MADE IT! HE MADE IT! HE DID IT LADS!” He jumps off of Changbin only to strangle him in a hug a second later. People around him burst out into cheers and someone’s patting his head – probably Chan. Another hand pushes his gaping mouth shut and he lets himself be dragged around in his chair.

He had actually made it.

“Alright everyone!” The Captain chuckles, “This is the newest member of our team! Please welcome him with kind words and warm hugs, he seems to like them! Anyway, we will wrap it up here, our dearest Changbin seems to be in the process of getting buried alive – that’s a first even in our chaotic team! See you guys in our next stream, goodbye!” he hears the voice barely so over the chatter and laughter surrounding him. The click when the connection shuts off though is clear enough that everyone stills for a moment.

In midst of the sudden silence, the way Jisung hugs him, the way Chan pats his head and everyone else gathers around him, the way the room nearly bursts with happiness, he feels his throat grow heavy with sadness. He had made it, he should be happy, but something about the situation seems to push him into the complete opposite direction.

He wishes Seungmin, Minho and Hyunjin were here now, wishes that Felix would join in and that Jeongin would appear in the doorway with his tell-tale foxy smile and scheming eyes – that they’d celebrate together, like old times - but that would not happen, none of it.

He is happy about making the team. Still, he wants to cry. Maybe it is the build-up of the whole week; too many emotions, too many memories returning to him, enslaving him and directing his feelings, maybe he just needed to let it go – but why _now_? Why now, why when something so good happened, something he had dreamt about for so long?

“ALRIGHT, IT’S PARTY TIME!” Jisung yells from somewhere next to him and the crowd finally dissolves, all flocking to the excited bluenette.

He averts his face, unable to keep his eyes from growing glassy. He doesn't want anyone to see him like this. He exhales deeply, trying to gain at least enough control to exit the room. Ducking under arms and evading hugs, he slips through the door into the dark entrance area. Chan must have closed the doors so that no one could enter and turned the lights off – he doesn't complain.

The door falls shut behind him, muting the music and bathing him in welcoming silence. He takes a deep, shaky breath, smelling wood and paper and breathes out, feeling the hot trails of his tears on his cheek. Damn that, why can’t he just smile? Why does it have to be like this?

He shuffles into the corner behind the desk and next to the window and observes the dark streets, the reflecting puddles and the shining stars. He doesn’t try to hide his tears any longer. His breathing becomes irregular soon after, his throat hurts and a sob slips through his lips.

“Binnie?” Jisung’s voice is suddenly right next to him, he startles and instinctively averts his face to hide the tears, but an involuntary sob spilling from his lips betrays him. Why hadn't he heard him come in? 

Jisung stills before him, not reacting with an overwhelmingly warm hug as Changbin expected him to. He peers at the younger, making eye contact.

Jisung’s mouth twitches, lips pulled into a frown and eyes soft yet searching. They stay close for a moment, only the dripping of tears and Changbin’s uneven breath between them. Then, Jisung comes closer, cupping his jaw softly in his warm palms. Thumbs brush over his cheeks, smudging the tears and breathing a gentle wave of soothing affection over him. His lips quiver at the almost loving touch.

“Sungie…” he chokes out, catching on to the deep sadness suddenly piling up in the younger’s eyes. Why did he look as if he should be the one crying? “Why… do you look so sad?”

The younger doesn’t respond, but the stuttering in his caresses is enough answer. It’s not long after, that Changbin sees the first tears flood the younger’s eyes before they slide down his pale cheeks.

He can’t help but sob at the sight and takes Jisung’s hands from his jaw to pull him into a tight hug. The younger immediately clings to him as if his life depends on it, face buried in his neck and hands clutching his back.

Changbin feels wetness on his shoulder, but only the ever-so-soft vibration of Jisung’s shoulders betrays that he is the one causing it; that’s when he realises it, that Jisung is a silent crier.

It’s like quiet, invisible sadness. How long had he been suffering alone that he would just break down at the sight of another’s tears?

They sink to the floor in their embrace, both crying into the other’s warmth. No words are spoken, no words are needed. Jisung is perfectly still in his arms and he caresses the younger’s back in comforting, slow circles. He wants to soothe his sadness, wants to give him some warmth.

The minutes crawl by and eventually Changbin’s tears dry out. His cheeks feel sticky, his nose is runny and his eyes hurt, but its better, he feels better. In his arms, Jisung stays quiet and unmoving.

Was he even still awake? Changbin cards his fingers through the younger’s coloured hair, emitting a shiver from him. Still awake.

“Are you okay?”

The younger nods against his neck but doesn’t move to let go, doesn’t bring any distance between them. Changbin feels his warm, rhythmic breath against his neck and the sudden awareness of their closeness sends a shiver across his back.

He gently pushes Jisung away, trying to bring some distance between them. The younger follows his lead reluctantly but doesn’t let go of him.

Changbin opens his mouth to speak, but he can’t find words fitting to the situation. He scans the younger’s eyes instead, scans his face and brushes away remnants of stray tears.

Jisung’s fingers twitch on his arm and a suffocating second later he pulls Changbin closer by his arms, leaning their foreheads together. Changbin lets him; It’s warm and comforting. Jisung moves and his breath blows over Changbin’s lips warmly, almost dizzyingly. The younger’s hands grip his arms tightly and he shifts and Changbin’s brain stutters to a hold- What… was he doing?

“Sung? Bin? You guys here?” The door opens with a click, music floods the room and suddenly they’re bathed in cold, fluorescent light.

Jisung pulls away from him slowly, warmth leaving his side and he tries not to think about the conflicted expression on the younger’s face.

“Oh, there you a- “Chan stops dead before them, taking in the situation with widened eyes and gaping mouth. Similarly to Jisung earlier, he does not do what Changbin would have expected him to; there is no rushing to them, no comforting words, no hugs, no questions, nothing. No, the elder is frozen in his spot, eyes flicking from him to Jisung, where they eventually stay.

The two stare at each other intently, as if they are having a conversation with their eyes only and Changbin slowly moves away from Jisung, lets him go and stands, feeling excluded, not understanding what was going on.

“Guys?” He asks, trying to get their attention and Chan turns to him, eyes wide with something like regret, while Jisung stands and moves away from them, not looking back.

“Yeah, Bin?” Chan’s voice is oddly hallow.

Questions flood his mind; Why was Jisung crying? Why did Chan look so regretful? Would he and Felix ever be the same again? Would their lives ever be the same again?

But, “Can you give me Innie’s room number?” is what he asks in the end, completely off-topic, completely away from what was really important. A diversion, an escape.

Chan just nods, scratching the back of his neck while the breakroom’s door falls shut behind Jisung’s retreating form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dziękuję za przeczytanie! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	7. And now, finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry… That I haven’t visited you earlier.”

The clean smell of disinfectant is heavy in the air as he walks through the hallways. Jeongin’s room is in a faraway section of the hospital, where only few nurses linger around and even fewer visitors come by. It’s the corner of the building were comatose patients come to, when they do not wake up and when there is not much hope that they ever will. The walls are painted in spotless white with a hopeful spray of greens added here and there, probably meant to lift the dampened spirits of those who come here.

It doesn’t lift his, though.

He’s been standing before Jeongin’s room for far too long already, hand on the plastic handle and mind unsure of how to proceed. He doesn’t know what it is that keeps him from just going in, maybe it’s the fear of seeing him after all this time, of wounds obvious or a face aged without having lived. No, that… It had been two years; he wouldn’t have changed that much, would he?

With closed eyes he takes a deep breath before pressing the handle down and quickly enters before he can think better of it.

The first thing he notices is the brightness of the room: It’s bathed in dimmed, fluorescent light that has a warm yellow glow. Long, thin curtains sway with the breeze of the spacious, opened windows which they cover partially. The ground is beige and the walls, beds, sheets and everything else is white. The second thing he notices is the constant beeping of the heart monitor, rhythmic and soothing but eerily real.

It takes a moment to collect his thoughts, only then does he dare peak at who he came here for.

Jeongin lies in the middle of the room, on a small bed that is too big for his lean frame. The sheets are tucked up to his chin, arms laying above them, connecting him to the machines. Changbin moves next to the bed, taking in the sight, seeing the familiar face, relaxed in sleep with lips parted.

He looks innocent; it reminds him of that night in the car, when the younger had been sleeping on his lap. The same face, barely aged at all, his hair even still the same bowl cut as always. Everything is so achingly familiar but still not the same. Why couldn’t it be the same?

Changbin swallows, feeling oddly out of place. He ignores the chair placed for visitors and instead sits on the bed. He takes limp fingers into his, caressing them, feeling comforted by their warmth.

“Hey Innie, it’s me, Changbin.” The walls echo his voice, he feels weird talking like this, but he suppresses the feeling and continues, “I’m sorry that I haven’t visited you earlier.” He plays with their fingers, waiting for a response that he knows won’t come. He peers at the heart monitor, and back to his sleeping face. “I guess you know what happened, huh? Someone must have told you, I’m sure. But, just for my peace of mind, I’d like to tell you, too.”

He bites his lip and waits for a moment before continuing. “I lost my memory. I forgot many things, many people… you included… I’m sorry, everyone says it’s not my fault, but… Innie… I feel like it’s my fault anyway. So many things happened. Bad things, mostly.”

He squeezes the lifeless hand and falls silent. There was so much he’d like to say and for a moment he feels like all his thoughts, his fears and everything that happened in the last days might just spill out of him. He swallows with a soft shake of his head, Jeongin really didn’t deserve to listen to all this when he couldn’t even scold or tease him with it. It just wouldn’t be same.

“Please come back to us soon, alright, Innie? Everyone misses you, everyone’s waiting for you.” He finally says and pats the hand between his, again, as if it could make Jeongin feel his plea.

Afterwards, he just sits and listens to Jeongin’s slow, even breaths mixed with the steady beeping of the heart monitor. It’s quiet, the room a tranquil blend of brightness, soft noises and uncertainty. He measures his breaths, fixing his eyes on a spot next to the white pillow and stays in the silence, lets it envelop him, lets it rile up his thoughts, chasing them around his head as if they were playing a game of tag.

After a while, there’s a soft click and Changbin realises that it’s the door and not his imagination, when he feels someone’s presence next to him. He looks up and stills in shock, not having expected _Felix_ of all people.

“Oh, hey.” He gets up and slips his hand out of Jeongin’s, as if he isn’t allowed to hold it.

Felix nods to him, nothing more than a small inclination of his head, he looks as unsure as Changbin feels, as if ready to flee any second. “Sorry, I didn’t think anyone would be here.”

“Oh, yes- “He moves aside and waves for Felix to take his place, “-I will go, I’m no good company anyway.”

The blonde’s eyes widen, “No! No, you don’t have to- I didn’t mean it like _that_. I, ah, I should be sorry for intruding, I saw you and came in anyway- I should have just left, but…”

But, what? Felix falls silent and just looks at him, biting his lip. He looks uncomfortable, something that was _just_ like the Felix he knew.

Changbin takes a step towards the door, not wanting to impose himself on Felix, “It’s alright, I- “

“Can I hug you, please?” Felix cuts him off, firmly catching his wrist in a dainty hand. Changbin just so manages a nod through his shock before he’s enveloped in a tight hug. The blonde's hands dig into his flesh almost painfully, as if he’s making sure Changbin isn’t going to escape. Changbin slings his arms around his waist in return, holding him gently and stroking his back in an effort to ease the obvious tension that ripples through the other’s body.

They stay like this, Felix hugging him, firmly nestling every inch of his body to Changbin’s as if he’s trying to make two years of separation non-existent with a single embrace.

If it were just that easy.

The blonde feels small in his arms, like he had always done, small and fragile and easily breakable if not handled with care. Someone like Felix shouldn’t be in his arms, not after everything that happened, yet he can’t help but return the hug with equal desperation.

They relax into each other and Changbin nestles his face in the blonde’s shoulder. He inhales his scent; he smells different than he has before, yet somehow the same. Felix had changed so much, yet somehow, deep inside, he might just be same. Maybe, hopefully. Felix sighs contently and the breath washes over his neck. He shivers and squeezes the blonde. He missed this.

What would he give to return to the time in which they had cuddled and joked all night, had sung karaoke and played in the arcade – all of it seemed so far away, _is_ so far away. For a moment, the delicious tension of wanting to confess, of wanting to finally kiss the blonde returns to him harshly, before being ripped away just as quickly, replaced by the knowledge of what had happened.

Two years. Two years had passed, so many things had happened and new memories were made. Felix is famous, is a celebrity, known all throughout Korea; he _is_ Korea’s sweetheart. Felix had become like the most majestic firework, colouring the sky in plentiful colours, enchanting everyone in vicinity. And Changbin? He was nothing but a dull no-one, one of those on the ground that were being enchanting, that were watching him

Would they even be able to be friends again? He hoped so, but realistically…

“Sunshine…” Changbin squeezes him gently, trying to put emotions unspeakable into action. The blonde hums, a sad sound that tugs at his heart. Changbin feels so bad for what he must have gone through. Even to begin imagining how he must have felt. He tries to formulate a sentence that expresses his feelings, shows his regrets and hopes, but he is unable to come up with anything.

Why is it always so hard to express his feelings around Felix?

“Sunshine, I… “he breaks off, saying that he had missed him… it was true, but it felt so wrong to say it to the one who must’ve missed him a lot more, who he had unintentionally pushed into a hole of loneliness.

Felix stays silent in his arms, not commenting on what is left unsaid. And before Changbin can beat himself up over it, a loud beeping rips them out of their moment. He loosens their embrace, both turning equally worried gazes towards the monitor, only to freeze in shock when Jeongin stares at them with wide eyes.

Changbin just stares back as if it was some kind of morbid staring contest, he feels as dumbfounded as Jeongin’s comatose brain must feel – Felix recovers quickly, though.

“Innie!” Felix gasps and rushes forward, immediately fawning over the youngest with soft touches and gently spoken words. Changbin stares at them, watches the youngest say words and eye the room in confusion and Felix patting his head and hands, soothing him. He swallows down the feeling of wanting to cry in relief and of crushing the youngest in his arms. Instead, he goes to fetch a nurse, leaving the two their moment together.

They deserved it, after all this time.

.

.

.

The door falls shut behind him with a click and he discards of his coat and shoes, throwing his bag filled with uneaten lunch into the corner. He sighs, running a hand through his hair and looking into the pale face that stares back from the mirror. Training had been exhausting. He’s a good player, but implementing himself into a team and learning their quirks and strategies, their way of communication, it is fun, but also exhausting.

At least they were happy with him, at least that.

He enters the living room but his steps waver when he notices the mop of blue hair sleeping soundly on his couch. So, Jisung had used his key to barge into his apartment once more, why was he not surprised? He smiles, slowly walks over and musters the sleeping boy before him.

His headphones are tucked into his ears as per usual, his hair’s messy from turning in his sleep, lips parted and clothes crumbled from sleep. There’s spilled popcorn and an overturned bowl on the ground before him; likely the result of him falling asleep to whatever series he had been watching. The TV had long since turned itself off but Changbin knew it had been playing some cheesy romcom.

He tucks a few blue strands out of Jisung’s face with a fond smile, fingertips brushing over smooth skin. The younger stirs at the touch, low mumbling spilling from his lips, not decipherable, though it’s sounds a lot like he’s whining about something.

Changbin snickers and gets up, stifling a yawn behind his hand. He tucks the bluenette into a thick blanket, making sure that he’s warm and cosy, tucking the fabric up under his chin. He smiles when the younger hums in his sleep, and can’t help himself when he caresses the blue hair softly, loving the way it feels between his fingers.

Jisung is just too adorable when he sleeps.

Afterwards, he washes up and heeds to bed. The sheets are cold and he shivers when he cuddles himself deeper into them, willing them to get warm quickly. As he closes his eyes, the sleep immediately tugs at his mind.

Just as he starts to doze off, a soft creek from the door wakens him again. It opens and closes and soft footsteps tap up to his bedside.

“Binnie?” Jisung’s voice is heavy with sleep and intertwines gently with the silence of the night. Changbin opens his eyes to look at his silhouette, humming sleepily, barely able to keep his eyes open. Jisung kneels down next to him. “Can I sleep with you?” his voice is an unsure whisper.

“Sure.” Changbin scoots over and lifts the blanket for him, but Jisung wavers. Why was he always so nervous about this? They had had so many sleepovers already and had cuddled tons of times, and still, he would always be so timid about it. “C’mere already, Sungie. Sleepy.”

All is silent for a few seconds and then the mattress dips and the younger finally joins him. Changbin settles the blankets over him, tucking him in as good as his sleep-muddled brain can. The extra warmth is nice and comforting, he places his hand around the other and pulls him close, relaxing at the never changing smell that was Jisung, calming and homely Jisung. Nice and warm.

“Nice and warm…” He slurs his thoughts, feeling sleep edge into his mind quickly.

“Binnie…” Jisung’s voice is barely audible, like a thought spoken aloud on accident. Jisung moves closer to him, pressing their foreheads together and entangling their limps, it’s cosy and warm. Changbin hums, already dozing off. The younger brushes their noses together, a touch he still registers somewhere in the back of his mind, it’s a nice touch, pleasant, soft and sweet, just like Jisung.

“I actually came over to tell you about something…” Every word makes bouts of warm air caress his lips. Jisung squeezes his hip and goosebumps rise over his skin.

“Tomorrow… ‘m sleepy.”

“But- “

He hums, interrupting the younger. He can’t concentrate on words spoken anymore, so he leans forward, trying to peek the younger’s nose in an effort to shut him up, something he would likely not do if he weren’t at the edge of losing consciousness, but Jisung talks too much and he was too sleepy for coherent intervention techniques.

His lips connect with smooth skin, he might not have hit the nose, but he can’t bring himself to care. A deep warmth settles in his stomach and he sighs, hearing Jisung’s breath hitch before it is exhaled shakily and he drifts off to sleep finally, with a small smile on his lips and Jisung nestled in his arms, warm and lasting, an unshaken constant in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVE! I apologise for not posting in so long. God, so much shit happened in the last months. Not only because of COVID but my family is literally a true shit-show. Anyway. I'm sorry. To make it good again, I'll give you the whole story. I went through it all and edited it and here you guys go :) 
> 
> I'd like to ask you read both endings, please! I'm so curious to know what you guys think is the better one ♥


	8. Our Endless Summer Continues | Changlix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix looks at him with a small smile. “Why, because of you.” - Changlix (1/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention guys! This is the Changlix ending part 1/3!

“Hey, guys.” He mutters tiredly as he enters the breakroom, discarding his bag in the corner and plopping down on the chair next to Jeongin with a tired sigh.

“Hey, Bin. You don’t look too hot, trainings been hard on you?” Chan smiles at him, lifting his mug to his mouth.

“Yeah, it’s been pretty intense. We have our first real match soon; we want it to be perfect.” He looks at his three friends and scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry that I’m not around so much anymore. Once we have more routine it’ll be better.”

“Ah, it’s not a problem, Bin. We know how much the team means to you, we wouldn’t hold it against you, right, Innie?”

The youngest nods eagerly, foxy grin on his face. “I still can’t believe you joined them, even though you guys told, like, four weeks ago.” He giggles and wiggles in his spot, excitement clear on his face.

“And I still can’t believe how quickly you recovered from slumbering like a princess for two years.” Changbin smirks and Jeongin pouts at him. “I’m just kidding, Innie. You don’t know how glad I am that you woke up, really.”

The youngest rolls his eyes, ears reddening. “I know how glad you are, you tell me every time we meet.”

Changbin chuckles embarrassed, and directs his eyes to Jisung who has been silent so far. He looks shaken, face pale and eyes fixed on his phone. Changbin’s brows crease in worry. “Sungie? You alright?”

Jisung stiffens in his seat and snaps his face to him, then to Chan. “Oh, um… Yeah. I’m just… a little shocked.” He runs a hand through his hair and turns his phone over to the table, realising that three curious faces look at him. “Felix he- he terminated his contract.”

“What…? Why would he?” Chan’s brows raise in disbelief as he takes the phone from Jisung’s hand. Changbin watches them, sitting in his seat stiff as a board. No one had heard of Felix since the day in hospital and now this?

“Is there an explanation?” Jeongin bends over the table, trying to catch a glimpse of the phone.

Changbin licks his lips, unsure of what to say, so he doesn’t say anything at all. He looks from Chan to Jisung, who averts his eyes as soon as theirs meet. He had been doing that a lot more lately, for some unbelievably annoying reason that Changbin didn’t know.

“Oh, what the- There’s a reason written here, but, what the fuck…” Chan mumbles as he intently stares at the phone.

“What is it?! Tell us, come on!” Jeongin slams his hand on the table and Changbin notices Jisung startle at the noise. Changbin cracks a smile despite himself.

“Scaredy Squirrel.” He mumbles quietly, but Jisung catches it and squints at him in fake annoyance, making him chuckle.

“It’s written here that- that his wound is too disfiguring for him to continue his career- What bullshit is that?!” Chan looks furious and slams the phone onto the table, making Jisung wince.

“Dude! That’s my phone, careful!” he hisses and takes it back, securing it in his pocket after checking it over and sending Chan a scorching glare.

“Disfiguring wound?” Jeongin’s face scrunches up in anger. “Just wait you- If I meet them, they’ll be disfigured, those fUCKERS!”

“Innie, language!”

Changbin snickers at their behaviour, trying to tune their loud bickering out. That statement sounded like utter bullshit, honestly. Felix didn’t have that injury only since yesterday; it had been plenty weeks. There likely was another reason, he was sure. One they’d probably never know because Felix was obviously not interested in being part of their life anymore.

He sighs, pushing the thoughts out of his mind – he had already accepted the circumstance; they hadn’t been that surprising looking at the situation.

“No need to be so violent, Innie.” He says when the youngest starts sprouting more threads into the room.

“I am NOT!” The youngest fixes him with glinting eyes that speak a completely different story, but okay, he really didn’t need to get involved in this. He shrugs and looks back to Jisung; a moment later Chan and Jeongin start arguing again – family is just lovely to have.

“Binnie?”

“Ya, what’s up?” He leans back in his chair, stretching his legs next to Jisung’s chair.

Jisung looks somewhat uncomfortable as he wavers in asking whatever it is on his mind. Changbin flicks his gaze to Chan as he waits, but the elder is completely absorbed in his scolding of Jeongin’s bad language, yikes.

“You know, today’s the rap performance I’ve been training for… and I was wondering if you would come with me, I could use someone there with me.” Jisung finally asks, eyes hopeful as he waits for an answer.

Changbin immediately feels bad, the last weeks had been so tiring, he didn’t want to do anything but lay down and sleep. “Ah, Sungie, I’m really tired- “

“It’s okay, I understand.” Jisung cuts him off before he can finish the sentence. He smiles, but Changbin can see that it’s forced and it makes him feels guilty.

“Sungie- “

“Don’t worry!” Chan suddenly speaks up, slinging an arm around Jisung’s shoulder and pulling him close. “Innie and I will join you! We’ll be your entourage, hype you up and screech the loudest!”

“I’ll even dolphin scream for you!” Jeongin jumps in his seat, screeching loud enough for Changbin to cringe away from him.

Chan laughs and pats Jisung’s shoulder, “See! It’ll be perfect!”

“Perfectly embarrassing!”

“As all things should be!”

“Wow, Channie, I can’t believe you remembered a meme- “

“It’s a meme? I thought it was a movie quote- “

“It was said in a movie?”

Changbin tunes them out, feeling relieved that Jisung won’t be going alone to his performance. Any other day, he would have gladly joined his best friend, but today, he just didn’t feel like it. He was tired and Chan and Jeongin were better company anyway – he can already imagine their cringeworthy screaming from the crowd.

“I’ll go home guys; I need some rest.” He gets up and looks to Jisung who is writing something on his phone. “Good luck later, Sungie! I’m sure you’ll be awesome.” He slips on his jacket, “Oh- wait, there’s some water on your phone- Here.” He throws a tissue towards Jisung, having noticed the drop on his screen just now. He ruffles Jeongin’s hair and waves to Chan. “Bye, guys! Have fun!”

There’s a short, quiet chorus of goodbye before the doors fall shut behind him.

Fifteen minutes later, he walks into his apartment and barely manages to get rid of his coat and shoes before he falls onto his couch with a tired sigh. He closes his eyes and listens to the quiet rustling of trees outside.

Finally, he can rest.

His mind wanders here and there, but he always finds himself thinking about Felix in the end, it was like a curse, a bittersweet one. He sighs, breaking the silence of the room. He’s tired but his mind is wandering into places that do not let him rest, so he just lays there, eyes closed and tries to at least give his body some rest.

His breath shallows out eventually, but before he can doze off, there’s a soft knock on the door. He groans, unhappy that he is woken up, but nonetheless heaves himself of the couch slowly. The knock resounds through the room once more, sounding more insistent and hurried than before.

“Wait a sec!” He unlocks the door and opens it to see Felix.

 _Felix_ , of all fucking people.

“F-Felix?!” He blurts out in shock, and the blonde just smiles from under his snapback.

“That’s my name. Can I come in?”

Changbin nods briskly, not trusting his mouth. The blonde comes inside, discarding his coat and shoes as well as his snapback, before walking inside his apartment, leaving Changbin to stare after him.

That was… unexpected.

“I hope you don’t mind me visiting… Did I wake you up?” The blonde turns to him, biting his lip.

“Oh, no. I was awake, I’m just tired and well, I don’t look too hot.”

Felix giggles, a sound he didn’t know he had missed hearing so much. He comes a little closer and pats Changbin’s head gently, “I don’t mind, it’s cute.”

Changbin snorts, batting away the blonde’s hand with a grin, ignoring the fluttering in his stomach and the urge to hug him. He takes a moment to look at him, seeing that the wound on his face is nearly completely healed, just a small scab left over.

Felix inclines his head at his gaze and Changbin feels himself redden. He clears his throat, motioning for the couch. “Sit.”

Felix doesn’t respond but instead moves to fall down into the cushions, combing a hand through his hair. Changbin seats himself next to him, unsure of what to do and what to say. He truthfully hadn’t expected to see Felix again, at least not like this, in real life.

“Are you… alright?” Changbin asks, first best thing coming to his mind.

The blonde hums and leans into the cushions. “Yeah, I am. I guess I should explain some things, huh?” He gazes at Changbin and latter nods in affirmation.

“Ah, where to start?” The blonde taps his lips in thought, “I guess… It all started after you forgot about me, after I had to go.”

“Sunshine- “

Felix hushes him with a dainty finger to the lips. “It’s okay. Let me explain first, alright?”

He nods and the blonde retracts his finger, taking Changbin’s hand instead.

“After that… I was lost for the longest time. I tried so hard to keep in touch with Channie and Jisung, but… it… it was so hard.” His voice turns silent and Changbin intertwines their fingers. The blonde peers at him with a small, thankful smile.

“I eventually broke off the contact, I just couldn’t take it anymore.” He falls silent and Changbin waits patiently, caressing Felix’s hand with his thumb.

Felix sighs and ruffles his hair with his free hand. “Do you remember how I always wanted to become a songwriter?”

“Yeah,” he smiles at the blonde, “you wrote tons of drafts and made me read them all, of course I remember.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad!” Felix giggles and hits his arm playfully, “well, maybe it was, wasn’t it? Anyway…” His face turns serious once more, “I guess, you can see where this is going… I ended up letting out my feelings on a piece of paper.” He sighs, somewhat sheepish expression on his face. “I never planned on showing it to anyone, but… life went it’s weird ways and after an incredibly embarrassing accident at a coffee shop, well someone found it, liked it and suddenly I was auditioned and well…”

“You became famous over night?”

“Yeah, it was unreal. I… didn’t fully comprehend what had happened until after I got the name ‘Korea’s sweetheart’ and everyone suddenly loved me. I- I got so many invitations to shows, everyone knew me, loved me just like that…” The blonde falls silent with creased brows and Changbin takes the moment to squeeze his hand and get his attention.

“But why… would you just give all that up? Why terminate the contract?” He didn’t even bother to formulate it differently; he knew it wasn’t because of the cut on his cheek.

Felix looks at him with a small smile. “Why, because of you.”

“Me? But- “

Changbin trails off when the blonde leans in and kisses his cheek gently.

“Because of this.” Felix whispers the words and Changbin’s heart flops.

Because of… him?

“Sunshine…” He swallows, searching the blonde’s eyes for a lie he can’t find. “You mean to tell me… After all this time- after everything that happened…?”

The blonde inclines his face with a sad smile, bringing a little more distance between them. “You know, all these songs I wrote, all of them are… about love.” His cheeks redden and Changbin forbids himself any further thoughts when Felix leans in a little closer again. “I wrote them all for you… about you.”

“You…” He stops, not able to express what he feels, so he opts to squeeze the blonde’s hands not believing the indication. That’s, that couldn’t be true, could it? “All for me?”

Felix nods and licks his lips, playing with Changbin’s fingers shyly. And if he hadn’t felt like his heart might explode before, he certainly did now.

Despite everything that happened… Despite what Felix had gone through, he still…

He shakes his head, not understanding. “Why? After all that happened- “

“Binnie- Listen.” The blonde’s voice grows thin and strained and he fixes him with eyes so earnest that he’s unable to do anything else but nod. “Back then, when you were still in a coma… I- I always told you that I got you. I _promised_ you that I got you, no matter what.” Felix squeezes his hands, both of them intertwined with each other’s at this point. “I wanted to keep that promise, even if I couldn’t be with you for real… I thought that maybe my music, my songs, my _feelings_ would reach you if I just sang them for you… It’s all I had left to try.” The blonde looks at him almost abashed when he finishes.

“But- “Changbin chokes on his words and averts his face from the blonde. This couldn’t be real, right? He feels a wave of affection crash through him, intertwining with a love deeply buried in the past. He shakes his head, trying to form a sentence but failing.

“Look I… I never wanted to be famous. Never. I hate it, it’s terrible. I don’t have a private life anymore… I have to hide outside and I- I have to be careful with every step I take, with everything I say… Still, I would do it all again; for you I’d do it all over again.”

Changbin swallows, feeling heaviness settle in his heart. “Felix, that... You couldn’t have known… that it would help… These years, everything you did for me… How can I ever repay you? How did I deserve that?”

How could any human… sacrifice so much for someone else?

“Binnie, do you really not see it?” Felix leans in, loosening their hands and instead cupping Changbin’s face. He caresses the elder’s cheek gently and looks at him with the most honest, affectionate and love-filled eyes that Changbin has ever seen. He looks at Changbin as if he had hung the stars in the sky for him. “There is no need for ‘repaying’ and ‘deserving’ when you truly love someone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merci de lire! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	9. Until the dusk takes us | Changlix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just like that. Because he loved him. - Changlix (2/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention guys! This is Changlix ending part 2/3
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> \- Soft Smut  
> 

“There is no need for ‘repaying’ and ‘deserving’ when you love someone.”

Changbin swallows and stares at the blonde, incapable of understanding how he could have given himself up like that. He felt touched, utterly, bone-rattlingly touched, he could feel his heart swell and the love he had forgotten flare up like the sun itself.

Yet, still. Two years, it had been two years. Felix had just… spent two years doing, _being_ , something he hated. For him. For someone he couldn’t know would ever remember him.

Just like that.

Because he loved him.

Changbin takes the blonde’s hands from his cheeks and stands up. He cards fingers desperate for an explanation other than ‘love’ through his hair. “Felix. I- “I can’t even describe the guilt I feel. “I don’t know what to say.”

The blonde stands up as well, “You don’t need to say anything. Just… come back to me, please.” The blonde opens his arms for him but Changbin is frozen to the spot.

He sighs, because there’s nothing else he would love more than to have the blonde back in his arms, where he belongs. But guilt and insecurity places a magic field of distance between them, one that he can’t yet overcome.

“Why do you no want to come back to me? Do you not…” Felix’s arms drop.

“No! Sunshine, please- I- “Changbin grips Felix’s arms, looking as desperate as he feels. “There is nothing, _nothing,_ I want more than for us to be back to what we had.”

“But?”

He loosens his grip from the softly shaking form of the blonde and takes a step back. “I- Do you not… worry that time has changed us? That… everything is just not as it was? You’re famous and I- Well, I’m still pretty normal.”

Felix looks as if he spoke a foreign language he didn’t understand and Changbin scrambles to explain himself more accurately.

“Look, I… I will be honest with you. I feel extremely guilty. I just… _forgot_ you and all this time you still, you did all this for me, wrote songs and hoped they would reach me and now you tell me you hate being famous and that’s all on me, all of it! How can I- How am I supposed to not feel guilty?”

To his relief – and dismay – Felix’s expression immediately softens. “Binnie, look, it might be true that I hate it but it was still my decision. Well, I didn’t expect it to get so out of hand, but that’s on me, not on you.”

“But- “

“No buts, please, can you stop being so stubborn? I want this- “He gesticulates between them with a pointed look, “and you want it too. That’s all that matters, even if we both changed… We can figure it out along the way. I just want you with me again. I missed you. Every single second of my life.”

Fuck, he wants to be with him too. He wants it more than anything, but this is so quick, so sudden, so out of nowhere… He looks at the blonde who reacts with a huff when he sees the unsureness in his eyes.

Before he can do anything to defend himself, Felix takes him by the shoulders and pushes him backwards onto the couch. Changbin hasn’t completely realised what’s happening, when the blonde crawls onto his lap, thighs pressed to thighs and arms slung around Changbin’s neck.

He feels goosebumps rise over his arms as he settles his hands on the blonde’s hips automatically. In the back of his mind he knows where this is going, he knows what is about to happen from the look in those beautiful eyes staring at him with a mix of desperation and determination.

He swallows thickly, feeling tingles of anticipation course through his body. So, this is it, the moment he had been dreaming about for years. His fingers twitch when the blonde leans in a little and runs a gentle touch over his jaw and down his neck.

He leans into the touch and Felix smiles, eyes being set alight with so much affection that it makes his heart skip a beat.

“Don’t be scared.”

He nods, knowing that even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to form words.

“I’ll kiss you now.”

The words are barely spoken when their lips meet and Changbin’s eyes flutter close. His hands tighten on the blonde’s hips and he pulls him closer, unable to resist the explosions of warmth that spreads all throughout his body.

The kiss is soft, as if he’s being asked for permission. He doesn’t hesitate and returns the pressure, kissing the blonde back slowly and softly, pouring years of repressed feelings into a single touch. Felix sighs into the kiss, breath rushing over their lips and then he entangles his hands in Changbin’s hair, tugging him closer and turning the kiss a little less innocent.

“Binnie…” The blonde breaks the kiss just so with a flushed face and lidded eyes. “I love you.” He whispers the words against wet lips and touches their noses together sweetly. “I always have and I always will.”

Something akin to a sob slips from Changbin’s lips and he hugs the blonde tightly to himself. The words hitting him like a meteoroid. How long had he waited for this? To hear these words? To feel his touch?

“Fuck, I love you too. I love you so fucking much.”

Felix smiles and they kiss once more, Changbin not able to hold himself back anymore, caution and worry being pushed into the furthest corner of his mind. Felix pushes every part of himself closer to him, erasing every bit of space between them.

Their lips slot together, kissing with hurried care that turns into something hot and steamy when Felix licks his lips and tugs at his hair. The blonde deepens the kiss and their tongues slide together wet and hot – it feels good, so incredibly good that Changbin can’t help but groan, fingers pressing almost painfully into the flesh of Felix’s hips.

“Felix- “He breathes his name against his lips in a moment of pause and fingers tighten on his arms. This was going too fast, way too fast, but-

Felix leans in again and captures his lips in another searing kiss that blows his mind empty of coherent thought and head of blood. There’re warm hands sliding under his shirt, caressing whatever skin they can reach and he shivers at the touch, breath rushing out of his lips.

Felix hums above him parting their lips to kiss his cheek, his jaw and neck and he can’t help but sigh at the intimate gestures. It feels so good having him close, feeling him and touching him. _Being_ touched. He groans when Felix sucks on the exposed skin of his shoulder and Felix returns the sound immediately, responsive to just the sounds that Changbin makes.

Felix moves, jostling Changbin around until they’re laying on the couch, the blonde hovering over him fully, nestling himself between Changbin’s legs and aligning their bodies completely. Changbin follows his lead, gives in to the way Felix leans down and kisses him again, gives in when he’s freed of his shirt and the feeling of their bare chests touching – whenever Felix had gotten rid of his own shirt he doesn’t even know anymore.

His mind is hazy, his emotions running wild, his heart beating messily and every touch, every kiss pulls him further and further into the pleasant abyss of bliss.

He watches the blonde move above him, lips parted and eyes darkened with so much want that Changbin groans just seeing it, knowing that Felix wants him that much- right now, after all this time, just as much as he wants him in return-

Somewhere, in the back of his mind the smallest, tiniest voice tells him to stop, tries to explain why this is too fast, too much- too suddenly, but he hushes it, lets it explode with the delicious feeling of Felix grinding into him with a low groan that might as well have pushed him over the edge already.

Fuck, his voice was so hot.

“ _God_ , sunshine- “

Felix bites his lip and repeats the sinful roll of his hip, this time with more force, more eagerness and another deep groan that pulls all the right strings in Changbin. He pulls the blonde down, revelling in the friction between them as he kisses him and Felix doesn’t waver a second before sucking on his lip, biting it none to gently and intertwining their tongues again and again. And fuck, _fuck_. This feels so good.

Changbin moves his hands to the blonde’s hips, gripping him firmly and guiding him down, moving their hips together in different angles and groaning when it’s just right, when pleasure shoots through his body and makes his head spin.

“Fuck, Binnie- “ Felix groans above him and leans back, hands immediately flicking to his pants, undoing them in motions so quick that his hazy mind is unable to follow, he discards of them and the second pair follows soon after and that’s when Changbin’s wanting mind finally interjects and pulls the blonde to him again, crushing their mouths together.

The younger settles above him once more, pressing himself close and immediately grinding into him, hard and wanting. Changbin groans, pulling him closer, loving, _needing_ , the friction between them; pants and underwear gone, nothing, _nothing_ left between them. They find a rhythm, steady and mind numbing. They kiss, tongues dancing together in a heated battle while curses are breathed into the air between them without care.

“Oh, god- “Felix groans, voice so low it’s amplifying his pleasure by a tenfold. “Binnie, I- “

Changbin hushes him with a kiss, hot and sloppy. He’s not willing to hear words so hot from him, he’s already so close- way too close. They break apart when Felix’s movements become hurried and intense, rubbing himself against him with unabashed want.

Felix peers down at him, his face pulled into the most beautiful expression, lips parted and slick with saliva, eyes clouded and pupils dilated. And _fuck_ , Changbin’s a goner.

“Fuck, I love you so much.” He groans the words because Felix grinds into him just right. He feels the younger shudder above him, incoherent words leaving his mouth in a long groan and Changbin bites his lips harshly, the sight too much for him, so he follows him, presses their hips together tightly while cursing and groaning and letting go, pleasure like he had never felt before washing through his veins in a rush, filling him wholly.

Felix sinks down onto him after, burying his face in Changbin’s neck. He hugs him close, feeling the aftertaste of ecstasy roam through him. He breathes in deeply, inhaling Felix’s scent and allows himself to feel contentment, to feel happy and complete.

How long had he wanted this? Had wanted Felix, wanted his love, his attention his affection- wanted all this.

He snuggles closer to the other, burying his face in the blonde locks. Now he had it, right here, where he wanted it to be. Finally, after all this time.

So, why? Why was there still a spark of insecurity?

The blonde rolls off of him and they adjust themselves until they’re facing each other. Felix cards a warm hand through his hair, dreamy smile on his lips until he takes in Changbin’s conflicted expression.

“What’s up? Did you not… like it?”

“No!” Changbin nearly yells in his hurry when he sees the blonde’s crestfallen expression. “No, I loved it, I just… I’m worried, is all.”

“About us…?” The blonde’s face darkens and Changbin moves forward to hug his body and press him close. He tries to ignore the delicious feeling of their naked bodies sliding together.

“It’s all so sudden, you know? Until an hour ago I didn’t even think I would ever see you again.” He skims a soft touch over freckled cheeks and smiles and the cute pout spreading on the blonde’s lips.

“But you want this.” It’s a statement, not even a question.

“I do, more than anything, sunshine.” He chuckles at the blonde’s confused expression. “Just give me a moment to catch up to all that happened, alright? You literally ambushed me here, not that I’m complaining.”

Felix nods, tentative smile on his lips. “I’m sorry, I just- missed you so much.” There’s a slight wobble in his voice and Changbin kisses his forehead soothingly, trying to ease his worries with the touch.

“Don’t apologise, there’s no need to.” He leans back and they lock eyes with each other. “I love you, sunshine. Since the first time I saw you. I want you, so please, don’t feel bad.”

“Okay.” His voice is small. Changbin kisses him, softly and filled with affection, not able to hide the smile tugging at his lips.

When they break apart, Felix grins at him, eyes bright and cheeks flushed. “Binnie?”

“Yeah?”

“You won’t leave me again, right?”

“Never, sunshine. I’m with you always, I got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gracias por leer! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	10. Epilogue | Changlix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue - Changlix (3/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention guys! This is Changlix Ending (3/3)
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> \- Mentions of depression  
> \- Mentions of suicide

The chair creaks as he sits down and the blue-haired boy looks up at him, clearly startled.

He smiles apologetically. “Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay.” The response is short, his voice distant and he can’t help the worry he feels.

“You don’t look well.”

“I’m perfectly fine.”

“Liar.”

The younger looks at him for a moment, then averts his gaze, fiddling with the phone between his hands.

“Why didn’t you tell him? All this time…”

“What would it have changed?”

He frowns, “It could’ve changed everything.”

The boy snorts, letting his phone slip onto the table. “Unlikely.”

This stubbornness with which he went through life was impressive.

“You can’t know if you never try.”

“I’d rather never try, though. If he’s happy, I’m happy too, that’s it. It’s enough for me.”

He musters him, having had this conversation too many times in the last decade to feel anger at the boy, or sadness at the tears quietly running down his face. “If that’s true, why are you crying now, when he’s happier than ever?”

The boy averts his eyes, looking out of the milky window, not responding.

“What if I’ll just tell him?”

“What? No!” The boy’s face scrunches up in worry, puffy eyes wide with panic. “No, _please_. He’ll hate me!”

“He would never- “

“Please, _please,_ don’t do it. He’s my best friend, please don’t take that from me… It’s all I have left.”

The words ‘to live for’ aren’t spoken but he hears them clearly, knows they’re meant to be there. He eyes him with pity. “I won’t promise that.”

The boy sobs, looking away and he feels a stab of guilt in his stomach. The other gets up, spilling tears onto the table before walking towards the door without another word.

“Hey, wait! Where are you going?”

“Away.”

“Sung- “

“Don’t wait for me.”

.

.

.

“Innie!!! You did great, sweetie!” Jeongin rolls his eyes with a defeated sigh when he hears Chan.

“Channie~” He whines, “do you always have to be so awkward?”

“It’s part of the package.”

He clucks his tongue, but can’t help but smile when the elder does as well. It’s a rare sight, he’d take all the teasing in the world for it.

“Will we make it in time? I hurried-”

“Yeah, we’re good.” Chan claps his shoulder and they start walking towards the car. “You can drive, right?”

“Sure.” He nods and they enter the car shortly after.

He isn’t entirely used to driving long distances yet, but with Chan’s mental state and the medicine he had to take, it just isn’t safe for him to do it. He swallows his nervousness down and arranges himself before starting to drive.

“Ah, why does the finale have to be so far away?” He whines, leaning back in his seat once he’s settled on the speedway.

“Big city, more people who’ll come to watch. Not to mention that it’s their hometown.” Chan explains, drumming his fingers on his legs.

Jeongin knows that of course, but he’d gladly take any kind of conversations the elder is offering. Though- he swallows, not able to snuff out his curiosity.

“You heard anything?”

Chan stiffens, he can see it out of his peripheral view and he curses himself inwardly, knowing it hadn’t been a good idea to ask.

There’s a short silence, then Chan sighs.

“No. Nothing.”

He nods with a grim expression. Ever since Jisung had disappeared nothing was the same anymore.

“You think he’s still alive?”

The questions catches Jeongin off-guard and the car swerves under his care. He swallows, should he answer that honestly?

“I… hope so. What do you think?”

Chan is silent for a while and he realises not long after, that he won’t get an answer.

“I… should have told Changbin. I should have told him that Jisung- “

“Channie, stop.” He places a hand on the elder’s thigh and squeezes it, knowing exactly what he was blaming himself for. “We can’t change the past, don’t mull over it. It’s not your fault.”

Chan stays silent but intertwines their hands. They spent the rest of the drive like that.

After a gruelling drive full of idiots on the streets, they arrive and enter the breakroom of the stadium, but not before being thoroughly checked by Felix’s bodyguards – Jeongin glowers at the memory; those guys _clearly_ knew him and Chan by now but still they insisted on patting them down every damn time.

When they enter, they find Changbin and Felix snuggled up on the bench, hands intertwined and heads resting on each other. It’s cute. Jeongin loves seeing them; in these times, they’re like a beacon of happiness and hope. After everything they had gone through- and yet still, here they were, having found each other.

“Hey guys.” He greets them when Chan fails to do so, though a look at the older shows a soft yet sad smile on his lips.

“Innie!” Felix gets up and hugs him and Chan tightly, Changbin comes up next to them not long after, taking Felix’s hand in his own and ruffles Jeongin’s hair before hugging Chan and silently thanking him for coming – it wasn’t often that they were able to loosen the elder from the internet café nowadays. Jeongin is just glad they managed it for today.

He takes a step back and watches his three friends exchange words afterwards. As expected, Changbin isn’t nervous at all, though Felix is practically vibrating next to him. It’s a funny sight considering that Changbin had to go onto the stage, not Felix. But then again, Felix had been on plenty stages before, so…

He shakes his head with a small smile – this was just like them.

Even though Jisung’s disappearance still hung grimly over them – gone without a trace, not even a letter goodbye, nothing – they tried to make the best out of it. Changbin was doing okay, having Felix with him was obviously helping him a lot. The two of them, finally done with their game of cat and mouse, finally a couple after all these years.

They were cute together, even if Felix was clingy enough to make it nearly impossible to have a word alone with Changbin. In the end, they both were happy, they both smiled and lifted each other’s spirits. It was good having them around, he was happy for them.

Still, it would have been easier for all of them if Jisung hadn’t just disappeared – like this, it was sometimes hard to smile.

Especially for Chan – having fallen into a state of permanent anxiety with reoccurring panic attacks, not to mention his depression and fearing for Jisung and blaming himself for his disappearance…

He could understand why Chan would feel like this, having been the only person who had known about Jisung’s feelings and all – still, it wasn’t Chan’s fault. It was impossible to get the guilt out of Chan’s head though; neither medicine nor therapist were able to either.

He sighs, this is not what any of them needed now. This was Changbin’s big day after all.

“Alright, group hug!” He yells suddenly, catching everyone’s attention as he pulls them close.

They all smile at him, even Chan manages it and for a moment it feels as if it would be okay. They see Changbin off together, all smiles and they welcome him back with even bigger smiles and cheers and hugs as he returns victorious.

Their second hug is somewhat messy – Chan a crying, sobbing mess and Felix clinging to Changbin while latter tries to comfort Chan, caress Felix and hug Jeongin all at once. They’re happy, but he knows that there’s something missing, someone, or more like, many of them… but it’s okay.

It’ll be okay.

One day, Jisung will return to them – and it’ll be okay again. Then they’ll be together, then it’s one less missing, one less.

He prays for it to happen.

.

.

.

The wind blows heavily around him, bringing the smell of a crisp, early morning. The sun peaks behind the gorgeous mountain range in the distance. A new morning approaching.

The tombstone before him is cold and silent. He scowls, the burning in his veins and stomach souring his mood.

“Look at me.” He sobs and falls to his knees. “I’m wasting my life. I should have died not you.”

He touches the engraving of a name he hadn’t spoken in years. He balls his hand into a fist and hits the stone with a sickening crunch.

Blood spatters to the ground and he takes a swig of the bottle placed before him to numb the pain. A knife glints in the long grasses and he shifts his eyes to it before shamefully fixing the stone again.

He’s silent for a moment.

“Why am I not enough? Why can’t I be loved? Why not me, never me? WHY?!” He howls and crumbles to the floor completely, fisting his hair and pulling at the strands.

“Why am I invisible? Why don’t I have courage?” He sniffles and glances at the knife again. He could end it. Should. But he can’t.

He’s a coward.

Can’t confess, can’t kill himself. Can’t do shit. He’s useless, worthless. He should die and yet he is to stupid to even manage that.

He doesn’t deserve love. He doesn’t deserve shit. Not even death.

Why can’t these feelings just stop? Why can’t it all just fucking stop.

Please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The Changlix ending! Please tell me what you think! Why not go and read the Binsung ending as well? I would LOVE to know which you prefer! ♥


	11. Our Everlasting Story | Binsung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You’re a good boyfriend, you know?" "Excuse me?" - Binsung (1/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention guys! This is the Binsung ending part (1/3)

“Hey, guys.” He mutters tiredly as he enters the breakroom, discarding his bag in the corner and plopping down on the chair next to Jeongin with a tired sigh.

“Hey, Bin. You don’t look too hot, trainings been hard on you?” Chan smiles at him, lifting his mug to his mouth.

“Yeah, it’s been pretty intense. We have our first real match soon; we want it to be perfect.” He looks at his three friends and scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry that I’m not around so much anymore. Once we have more routine it’ll be better.”

“Ah, it’s not a problem, Bin. We know how much the team means to you, we wouldn’t hold it against you, right, Innie?”

The youngest nods eagerly, foxy grin on his face. “I still can’t believe you joined them, even though you guys told, like, four weeks ago.” He giggles and wiggles in his spot, excitement clear on his face.

“And I still can’t believe how quickly you recovered from slumbering like a princess for two years.” Changbin smirks and Jeongin pouts at him. “I’m just kidding, Innie. You don’t know how glad I am that you woke up, really.”

The youngest rolls his eyes, ears reddening. “I _know_ how glad you are, you tell me every time we meet.”

Changbin chuckles embarrassed, and directs his eyes to Jisung who has been silent so far. He looks shaken, face pale and eyes fixed on his phone. Changbin’s brows crease in worry. “Sungie? You alright?”

Jisung stiffens in his seat and snaps his face to him, then to Chan. “Oh, um… Yeah. I’m just… a little shocked.” He runs a hand through his hair and turns his phone over to the table, realising that three curious faces look at him. “Felix he- he terminated his contract.”

“What…? Why would he?” Chan’s brows raise in disbelief as he takes the phone from Jisung’s hand. Changbin watches them, sitting in his seat stiff as a board. No one had heard of Felix since the day in hospital and now this?

“Is there an explanation?” Jeongin bends over the table, trying to catch a glimpse of the phone.

Changbin licks his lips, unsure of what to say, so he doesn’t say anything at all. He looks from Chan to Jisung, who averts his eyes as soon as theirs meet. He had been doing that a lot more lately, for some unbelievably annoying reason that Changbin didn’t know.

“Oh, what the- There’s a reason written here, but, what the fuck…” Chan mumbles as he intently stares at the phone.

“What is it?! Tell us, come on!” Jeongin slams his hand on the table and Changbin notices Jisung startle at the noise. Changbin cracks a smile despite himself.

“Scaredy Squirrel.” He mumbles quietly, but Jisung catches it and squints at him in fake annoyance, making him chuckle.

“It’s written here that- that his wound is too _disfiguring_ for him to continue his career- What bullshit is that?!” Chan looks furious and slams the phone onto the table, making Jisung wince.

“Dude! That’s my phone, careful!” he hisses and takes it back, securing it in his pocket after checking it over and sending Chan a scorching glare.

“ _Disfiguring_ wound?” Jeongin’s face scrunches up in anger. “Just wait you- If I meet them, _they’ll_ be disfigured, those fUCKERS!”

“Innie, language!”

Changbin snickers at their behaviour, trying to tune their loud bickering out. That statement sounded like utter bullshit, honestly. Felix didn’t have that injury only since yesterday; it had been plenty weeks. There likely was another reason, he was sure. One they’d probably never know because Felix was obviously not interested in being part of their life anymore.

He sighs, pushing the thoughts out of his mind – he had already accepted the circumstance; they hadn’t been that surprising looking at the situation.

“No need to be so violent, Innie.” He says when the youngest starts sprouting more threads into the room.

“I am NOT!” The youngest fixes him with glinting eyes that speak a completely different story, but okay, he really didn’t need to get involved in this. He shrugs and looks back to Jisung; a moment later Chan and Jeongin start arguing again – family is just lovely to have.

“Binnie?” Jisung asks after a few minutes.

“Ya, what’s up?” Changbin leans back in his chair, stretching his legs and sliding them between Jisung’s under the table.

Jisung looks uncomfortable – or maybe, was it shy? Jisung wasn’t either of those often, which made this a little strange- “You know, today’s the rap performance I’ve been training for… and I was wondering if you would come with me, I could use someone there with me.”

Changbin immediately breaks into a smile, “Aw, Sungie, you didn’t even have to ask, of course I’ll go with you. Not gonna miss you spit fire in front an unsuspecting crowd.”

Jisung’s shoulders sack in relief and a smile blossoms on his lips. “I’ll try extra hard for you then.”

Changbin snickers and checks the clock behind Jisung, “When do you have to be there?”

“Oh, uhm, let me check…” He taps on his phone and suddenly pales visibly. “Oh fuck, I have to be there in- in thirty minutes!” He suddenly stands, his chair falling to the floor behind him from the force. “Come on, Binnie!” Jisung hurriedly pulls him up, manoeuvring him towards the door, Changbin lets him, if mostly because he’s flabbergasted – only Jisung would manage to fuck up being at something important in time.

“What, hey, guys! Where are you going?”

“My performance!” Jisung yells over his shoulder, already out of the breakroom.

Chan’s answer is swallowed by the closed door.

They reach the event just in time. They’re ushered inside by grumbling personal and a woman shoos them through the building, instructing them to how everything’s going to happen and simultaneously scolding them for being late. Eventually, they reach a nook beside the stage. It’s a small area with only a few people lingering about; mostly technicians who watch the happening on the small, make-shift stage. It’s not hidden from the audience; it seamlessly goes over to the rest of the room and Changbin sees countless heads turned towards the stage. A few people linger about standing, not far from where they’re currently positioned.

He’d always known this event was well loved, but he honestly didn’t expect this many people.

They still have fifteen minutes until Jisung’s performance – had they come just a few minutes later, at least so the angry woman told them, he wouldn’t have been able to perform anymore.

“Damn, that was lucky.” Changbin exhales deeply, still feeling a sting in his sides from running all the way here. He looks at Jisung, seeing the previously energised bluenette suddenly quiet and pale – how he managed to not have red cheeks from all the running, he could only fathom. “Hey, Sungie? You’ll do great, no need to be nervous.” He positions himself before him, trying to shield him a little from the bustling activity behind.

Jisung nods stiffly, fiddling with his shirt and biting the insides of his lips.

Changbin hums, knowing full well that he won’t be able to take the nervousness from him. He bats the bluenette’s hands away from his shirt and runs his hands over the fabric to straighten it. He checks the rest of him, realising that his hair is still a hot mess from their journey here. “Ah, your hair’s a mess- Bent down a little.” He taps Jisung’s chin as he speaks and the other obeys and tilts his head down. Changbin runs his fingers through the soft strands, parting and ordering them so that it looks good again. Jisung shivers under his ministrations and he smiles at him, tapping his cheek once he’s done. “There, better.”

“Thanks.” Jisung smiles a little, touching his hair as if to make sure it’s still there. “You think I’ll do good?”

Changbin huffs, “Of course you will, have you heard yourself rap?”

“I- “

“You there! Late-guy, J uh One? Five minutes left, be ready.” A bad-tempered man eyes them suspiciously before leaving again.

In a flash, the nervousness is back on Jisung’s face, Changbin snorts and lifts his hands to squeezes the bluenette’s cheeks together. “Come on, you’re brilliant, don’t worry. I wouldn’t even need to wish you luck, you have enough skill to not need it.”

Jisung hums, taking Changbin’s hands and intertwining their fingers. He manages a smile, “I still want you to wish me luck, though. Better be on the safe side.”

Changbin clicks his tongue, “Fine, good luck.”

“No, not like _that_! That was so heartless, geez.” He whines, tugging at Changbin’s fingers. “Everyone can do that, make it special.”

Changbin squints at the younger with a scoff, how the hell did you wish someone luck in a special way? The nerve-

“J-no, John… Ah fuck it, just come here, get your mic.”

Jisung nods with wide eyes and takes a step towards the guy.

“Wait, Sungie. Close your eyes, quickly.” Changbin grips the youngers fleeing fingers tightly and pulls him closer before he catches up to what he’s doing.

“What- “

“Just do it.”

Jisung grumbles but obeys. Changbin leans in and peeks his cheek quickly, nothing more than a fleeting touch. Jisung jerks back and Changbin lets him go with a laugh. “Don’t look like that, you wanted it to be special! Now go, shoo.”

“Binnie- “Jisung’s bright red and looks a lot healthier than seconds earlier. Changbin, still laughing, pushes him towards the waiting staff, leaving him alone with a last, reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“You got this.”

Jisung is being prepared and then pushed onto the stage, the music starts to play and _of course_ , he’s doing fabulously well. Changbin nods with the beat from where he stands a little further into the room. A smiling woman suddenly steps next to him. “You’re a good boyfriend, you know? Young love is such an inspiring thing.” He chokes on his spit and tries to muffle the sound in his arm.

“Excuse me? Boyfriends?”

“Why, yes.” She looks confused, but then her eyes glint with understanding. “Oh my! You’re trying to hide it, aren’t you?” She smiles apologetically and Changbin chokes a second time – this time on the air he tried to push into his burning lungs. How did one even choke on air?!

The woman comes closer, leaning in as if they were sharing a secret. “Ah, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fluster you. You two are just so cute together, I won’t tell anyone, promise.” She winks with a kind smile and Changbin would have choked again, if he hadn’t run out of air and was currently suffocating.

“Next time, you’ll have to hide it better though, especially your boyfriend there.” She gestures towards the stage with a fond smile. “You can basically see the love written in his eyes.” She sighs with a dreamy smile. “I wish someone would love me so much that I could just see it in their eyes so plainly. You’re so lucky.” Just Changbin nods, opting to not speak – he wasn’t sure if he was capable of forming coherent sentences without choking to death. The woman giggles and squeezes his shoulder. “Good luck in your future, I’ll hope you’ll be happy together.” She says before waving and disappearing behind a corner.

Well, that was… unexpected. He feels the heat in his cheeks and takes a deep, controlled breath. He flicks his gaze to Jisung who’s still on the stage, rapping faster than Changbin thought was possible.

Really, _boyfriends_ …? Had they actually looked- and acted like they were… boyfriends? He combs a hand through his hair and shakes his head, surely not. That’s just, he can’t even put it into words, utterly stupid? Him and Jisung. A couple. He wants to snort but the sounds gets stuck somewhere in his throat.

He looks at Jisung again. Observes the way he raps, moves and gesticulate. The way his hair falls and shifts with the movement, his voice that reverberates through the room-

Okay. Okay, something was not right. He didn’t feel like laughing about it anymore. The feeling dwindles from his mind so quick its as if his brain had realised it was a mistake- _Yeah sorry dude, I didn’t mean to make you feel like laughing, whoops, haha._

Alright, why the hell doesn’t he find it weird. It was almost pleasing to know that- Wow, okay, _that_ was dangerous territory right there. He and Jisung had been friends since long, _long_ before they had met any of the others - they were basically childhood friends. One doesn’t just find the thought of their childhood friend being seen as their- as their _boyfriend_ appealing.

Well, expect if you were called Seo Changbin, apparently.

He looks at Jisung dance to a few beats on the stage, like he always does, and swallows thickly. Alright, okay. This was not a problem. His eyes had _not_ attached themselves to the movement of his hips – oh god damned, why did the carelessly spoken words of a total stranger such a sudden influence on him?

Love written in his eyes – that was a joke he might even tell Chan, the only thing he had ever seen in Jisung’s eyes was mischievousness and mirth when he had succeeded in teasing him yet again. He licks his lips, shaking his head in an attempt to clear his mind. No need to panic, he could easily enough proof that there was no love written in Jisung’s eyes – and then he could hopefully forget the boyfriend part as well.

The music ends and he stuffs his hands into his pockets. Jisung thanks the crowd in accented English, doing some cheeky gestures as if he hadn’t heard the word nervousness ever before in his life and then exits the stage down the stairs, walking a few steps and immediately catches Changbin’s eyes with the most brilliant smile he had seen on the younger in a long time and he can’t help but smile back at him. Jisung dashes towards him, and Changbin barely manages to open his arms in time.

“Told you; you’re brilliant.” Changbin says and squeezes him tightly.

Jisung hums happily, “It’s only because you wished me luck.”

Changbin snorts, trying to ignore the flutter in his stomach at the thought of that tiny kiss on the check – this was _so_ bad. “Sure, sure. Should we get out of here?”

“Yeah, too many people.” Jisung agrees easily, leaving the technic with a passing staff member. “So, where to?” The younger looks at him, eyes still sparkling with excitement.

“Oh, uhm, I don’t know, you want to go somewhere special?” They start walking towards the exit, cold air enveloping them once they’re outside.

“Ah, I don’t know~ Weren’t you tired anyway? Oh! I know, let’s go to my place! We can watch a move or just rest or we can also cook something! Oh! We can also play board ga- “

“Yah, calm down.” Changbin chuckles at the literal ball of energy before him. “I’ll probably fall asleep if we watch a movie, I’m really done for. Running here thanks to your tardiness didn’t help neither.”

“Yah, I didn’t do that on purpose!” Jisung pouts but cracks up smiling when Changbin does as well. “We can just take a nap too, I wouldn’t mind! I, uh- I can’t sleep so well recently… so, if you wouldn’t mind…”

“Hey, no need to look like that. We can do that, we had many sleep overs already, it’s nothing special.” At least it wasn’t until approximately fifteen minutes ago.

Jisung nods softly, face losing a little of its tension. They start walking side by side, but after five minutes Jisung suddenly stops dead in his tracks. “Oh shit.”

“What’s up?”

Jisung smiles sheepishly. “I forgot my keys at the café.”

Of course he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bedankt voor het lezen! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	12. Will reach a new dawn | Binsung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ah fuck, do you always have to be such a scatterbrain?” - Binsung (2/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention guys! This is the Binsung ending (2/3)!

“So, how was it?” Chan comes up next to him in the lobby. They’re alone, Jisung gone off to look for his keys in the bathrooms – he didn’t ask why he would look in a place like that for his own sanity’s sake.

“Good, you know how he is, he slayed it.” Changbin couldn’t help how proud he sounded.

Chan nods, smiling. “As expected.”

“Where’s Innie?”

“Ah, he went to buy some things.” Chan cleans up a few stray papers laying on the counter. “Anything else happened?” He asks when the counter’s clean and Jisung still hasn’t returned. Chan musters him and Changbin panics internally, because Chan had this terrible way of figuring out something was going on by just looking at him. Changbin pulls a grimace, knowing from the glint in the elder’s eyes that it had happened again. “Oh- wait, something happened for real? What is it?” He comes around the counter, closer to Changbin with a worried frown.

“Ah,” he sighs and combs a hand through his hair. Why did Chan have to be so perceptive? “Nothing bad, don’t worry.” He pats the elder’s shoulder, but Chan isn’t put off so easily.

“Tell me, it can’t be nothing with the way you look. You have headaches again? Forget stuff? Nose bleeds- “

“Chan, stop, no- _No_ , it’s not like _that_. Nothing like that.”

Chan’s face lightens up immediately and Changbin hates that his amnesia had scarred the elder so much.

“What is it then? You know you can tell- “

“-tell you anything, yes, yes. I know. Alright, listen, I’ll tell you, but only because I know you won’t shut up otherwise.”

Chan grins at his reply and Changbin squints his eyes at him – this guy knows exactly what he’s doing, self-confident ass.

“So?”

“Ah, well- “He looks around, making sure that Jisung hadn’t yet returned from his bathroom adventures. Chan quirks a brow at him. “While Sungie was on the stage some weird woman came to me- “He swallows, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “She thought he and I were- were _boyfriends_.” Changbin eyes Chan when he speaks the words, but sees nothing but a flicker of something in his friend’s eyes, so he continues.

“And she- she said that you could _see the love in Sungie’s_ _eyes_. How stupid is that? I’ve been looking at him basically all my life, I would _know_ if there was love in them.” He shakes his head with a snort, trying to make it sound funny, but Chan doesn’t join in, not even the tiniest sparkle of humour in his eyes. Instead, the elder just musters him, his lips twitch as if he wants to say something but holds himself back – now _that_ was weird. They stay in silence that’s rapidly turning awkward, until the elder finally opens his mouth.

“Would you mind?”

“Would I mind what?” Changbin knits his brows in confusion.

“If there was love in them?”

“I- “He snaps his mouth shut, not having expected a question like that. Would he mind? No. No, he wouldn’t, because the more he thought about it, the more he started to- but, wait… was Chan actually implying that there was… something there? He frowns at the elder, why would he be asking a question like that- “Wait, are you- “

“Guys!” Jisung suddenly yells, all happy and smiley as he enters the lobby, “told you, they were in the fucking bathroom! Must’ve fallen down when I was washing my hands.” He joins them, forming a small circle and slinging his arms over their shoulders. “Anyway, sorry for the wait! We can go now, Binnie. Come on!” Jisung sounds excited even though they are just going to have a nap, it makes Changbin gulp. He lets the younger drag him away by the hand – fingers interlaced – and looks back over his shoulder at Chan, who nods at him with a small smile and a thumbs-up.

 _Fuck_. So, Jisung was actually- Was really- Chan wouldn’t just leave clearly implied things he didn’t mean stand in the room with no answer. That wasn’t like Chan, not at all, which meant that Jisung- That Jisung actually had… feelings for him? Loved him?

He chokes at the thought – liking it too much, _way_ too much – it was like that damned woman had revealed him a fantastical world of options, all labelled Han Jisung and Chan had just given him the concrete proof of it’s existent. Now all he had to do was take it, and god, he wanted to take it so badly. He’s shocked at the realisation; how could he have been so incredibly blind to his own feelings? Where did all this come from? Had it always been there?

Maybe it was because him and Jisung were basically together every day, all the time, Changbin muses, trying to find an explanation, any. They spent hours over hours playing games, singing karaoke, watching movies or doing whatnot, they cuddled and napped together, had regular sleepovers, just simply because they liked it, because they had always done it, because it was routine, it was normal, it was _them_. Be it before the time of his amnesia, or the one after – nothing had changed.

Just that back then, before his amnesia, there had been Felix. Changbin had immediately fallen in love with him, had spent tons of time with him, doing all the stupid stuff, but still, no matter, he had spent just as much time with Jisung – it was just that he hadn’t seen Jisung in the same way he had seen Felix. But Felix, Felix was gone now. The radio silence said everything – no contact, not to any of them.

Changbin doesn’t hate him for it, he, in fact, understood. The hurt he must have felt, the things he must have gone through, he hadn’t expected anything else. He knew Felix had changed, was a different person compared to back then. While he remembered the love he felt, it was dormant, or to say it more clearly, it was a pleasant memory, because two years worthy of other memories and feelings were buried upon it and most importantly, most of all – there was Jisung now, feelings for him overtaking every nook and cranny in his head like a quickly spreading fire.

Jisung who was always with him, always held his hand, always had his back and made him smile. He had just accepted his presence as a given, as something that would always be there. He was familiar, warm and comfy, Jisung was home. Maybe, maybe he just hadn’t seen the love in his eyes, because it had always been there, maybe he had gotten used to seeing it every day, that he didn’t realise it was there in the first place.

And maybe that’s why he had never realised how strongly he felt for him either: Because he had always had a soft spot for him, because it was normal for him to feel warm and happy around the bluenette and when Felix entered his life, he had only eyes for him and his feelings – pushing Jisung back, making any development in their relationship impossible.

“Binnie?”

Changbin blinks, letting himself be pulled out of his thoughts. Jisung stands before him, observing him quizzically and Changbin realises that they’re standing in front of Jisung’s door. Had he lost himself in his thoughts that much? “Sorry, I spaced out.”

Jisung chuckles, parting their hands. “No shit, that was pretty obvious.” The smile stays on his lips as he unlocks the door and leads them both inside. Fuck, had his smile always been that cute?! He can’t come up with an answer, because a gust of warm air drenches his senses in Jisung’s smell. He hadn’t been at his apartment in quite some time, always staying in the café or going to his own apartment or somewhere else – he had forgotten just how homey and warmth-inducing it was.

He takes off his shoes and coat, placing them by the wardrobe. Jisung waits for him, vibrating in his spot with a bright, giddy smile on his face. “It’s been so long since you were here, you should come over more often, it’s nice.”

Changbin chuckles. “I basically just entered, Sungie- “

“Still!” Jisung drags him through the tiny space of his living room, a place of dark, cosy hues, and straight towards the bedroom.

“Ah, wait.” He stops abruptly, making Changbin walk into him. The collision isn’t terribly harsh, he still hits his nose in the bluenette’s shoulder and sneezes shortly after.

“Ah fuck, do you always have to be such a scatterbrain?”

“Sorry.” He rubs his neck sheepishly, “just wanted to ask if you want anything first? Water or something? I don’t have much stuff, mostly organic- “

He rubs his nose and scrunches his face up to get rid of the somewhat painful tickling. “Nah, I don’t need anything expect for a bed and you.” Jisung’s eyes widen and he sputters, ears turning red. Okay, that might have come out wrong. “I didn’t mean it like _that_ \- “Or did he? He wasn’t sure himself. “I’m just tired and want to cuddle. Come on.” He tugs their intertwined hands and leads them into the small bedroom before he can say anymore stupid stuff.

Jisung follows him without another word and throws himself on the bed with a giggle as soon as they’re in reach of it. Changbin smiles at him, tugging the sheets back and in doing so, rolling Jisung sideways on the bed. He laughs at the endearing sight before crawling under the blanket and enveloping himself fully in its pleasant warmth and smell. He feels himself relax and when he’s done snuggling himself into the sheets, he opens his eyes to find Jisung watching him.

His hair is falling onto the pastel blanket, the dark blue standing out starkly on them. His eyes fixed on Changbin, as if he’s watching his every move, his every mimic. Changbin feels bare under this stare – they normally never held eye contact without spoken words accompanying them quite this long. It made the air feel heavier and his heart beat faster. Or maybe it was because Changbin was suddenly painfully aware of the sheer beautiful perfection that was laying in front of him – as if someone had flipped a switch and opened his eyes.

Damn that woman.

He doesn’t feel like sleeping anymore. He is tired, but he’s sure that even if he tried to fall asleep now, the welcoming blackness would elude him. So, he smiles at Jisung instead, reaching out to take his hand that’s laying between them. “Blue hair really suits you.”

Jisung quirks a brow at him, interlacing their fingers. “Is that a compliment from _you_? Oh, that I live to see the day.” Jisung laughs at his souring expression, earnestly and shoulder-shaking, eyes formed to crescents and smile as bright as the sun. “Don’t look so mad! I’m just kidding, I’m glad you think so.”

Changbin isn’t really mad, he’s just trying to mask the fact that Jisung’s smiling face is extremely endearing and that it suddenly does _things_ to him. He just can’t fucking understand how blind he must’ve been all these years to just not see him, see himself and his feelings that had grown so deeply out of his sight.

He was such an idiot.

“Come here.” He tugs at their interlaced hands and pats the spot next to him. Jisung smiles and crawls under the blankets that Changbin lifts for him without wasting a second. The other is warm next to him, a comforting, familiar presence. He circles Jisung’s small body with his arm, sliding his hand over his sides and onto his back before pulling him close. It was definitely more touching than usual – he just couldn’t help himself anymore.

Jisung doesn’t seem to mind though, he, in fact, slides a leg between Changbin’s and places a warm hand on his side before cuddling even closer and hiding his face in his chest. A sigh leaves his lips, drenching the fabric of Changbin’s hoodie with warmth and he can’t help but shiver at the feeling.

“Cold?”

Changbin squeezes him, nuzzling his face into the mop of blue hair. “No, it’s just nice cuddling you.”

“Nice enough that you have to shiver?”

“Obviously.”

Jisung hums approvingly, fingers pressing into Changbin’s side. “We’ll have to cuddle more often then, we barely do anyway these days.”

“Miss it?” Changbin leans back a little, to relax his neck and instead cards his fingers through Jisung’s hair, caressing his head.

This time, Jisung shivers beneath him and leans back with closed eyes, so that Changbin can see his face. “That’s nice,” he sighs, smile on his lips. He stays silent for a while, seemingly enjoying the attention, Changbin doesn’t mind, too busy admiring his cute expression.

“Always.” He breathes out after a few moments.

“Always what?”

“Always miss it, the cuddles… and you.” He sighs, “You’re barely around recently.” He finally opens his eyes to look at Changbin with a pout. “When I asked if you’d come to my performance, I didn’t expect you would.” _Ouch_ , that stings.

He pouts in return, poking the bluenette’s cheek. “Yah, that’s mean. You trust me that little?” Then he sighs, carding a hand through his own hair. “But I guess you’re right, I was really busy with training recently…” He trails of, deciding to actually speak his feelings truly. “But I miss you too, a lot actually.”

“You do?” He sounds genuinely surprised, even leaning back further to look at him.

“Yeah, don’t look so surprised! You think I’m lying? You’re my favourite person, I love spending time with you; of course I miss you.”

Jisung squirms in his arms, shy smile on his lips. “I didn’t know I meant so much to you.”

Changbin hums, realising how badly he must have communicated his feelings throughout their friendship- He was such an idiot. “You do and always have.” He tugs him close again, not liking the distance the other had brought between them. “Stay close, yeah? I like having you close.” He leans their foreheads together, enjoying how Jisung’s breath blows over his face.

“Binnie, what’s up with you today? You’re so… _affectionate_. Something happened?”

Why did everyone always think that something bad must have happened with him? “Nothing happened. Expect for… well, maybe someone finally opened my eyes.”

“What do you mean…?”

He hums, unsure of how to explain himself. How did one explain that a mere stranger had accidently awakened feelings unknown, just like that, without sounding stupid?

“It’s hard to explain.”

Jisung huffs, clearly unsatisfied and Changbin cups his jaw to caress his cheeks gently. The younger stills under his touch, breath stuttering over his face and eyes wide. He’s cute, the way he reacts to the softest of touches.

“Try me.” The younger’s words are shaky and Changbin feels his heart stutter at the tension that’s growing between them.

Silence stretches between them as Changbin fights an internal battle that ends with a decisive _ah, fuck it._

“I’d rather show you… Can I?” He doesn’t know where the sudden confidence comes from, maybe it's the way Jisung’s breath smells and the closeness that makes him feel his soft skin and the quakes and shivers running through his body or- or it's the way he looks at Changbin with his hands firmly clutching at his sides and eyes full of confusion and something else- something like hope and excitement.

The younger looks at him, eyes wide and searching; it’s endearing. A few moments pass and then Jisung nods, small and unsure, like an unintended inclination of his head.

“Okay.” The words are softly whispered against his lips, when had they gotten so close?

He wavers for the smallest moment, heart pounding and belly a hurricane of swirling butterflies – until he leans forward, ever so softly, and connects their lips with as much tenderness and affection as he can muster.

The younger stills at the touch, it’s only when Changbin moves his lips, moves them against Jisung’s soft ones, that latter exhales shakily, breath hot against their lips and then kisses him back.

It’s slow and tender, almost painfully so. Changbin pours every ounce of himself into it, moving their lips together, moving them in a harmony that feels so achingly like them, like a perfect orchestra of their feelings meeting, of their affection’s finding each other and their desires being fulfilled.

It’s as if a thousand fireworks explode over his body, as if the cosiest campfires are ignited under his skin and the wildest butterflies are set loose inside of him. As if a longing unknown is finally squelched and the deepest feeling of contentment erupts in its stead.

He hadn’t known that anything could feel as perfect, as _right_ as this very moment.

Especially when he feels the younger quiver under him, feels him shiver at the touch and press himself closer to Changbin.

They part a few moments later and Jisung exhales warmly against his lips. Their eyes meet and Changbin swallows thickly when he sees the confused mix of happiness and uncertainty in the other’s eyes. It feels like an eternity until he speaks, voice but a whisper of restrained emotions.

“Why…?”

Changbin smiles at him, thumbing his cheek before leaning back a little, wanting to see his face from a better angle.

“Because I- “He swallows, nervousness cutting of his words, but he chokes it down and continues, “Because I think I love you, Sungie. No, wait- I know it. I love you. I- I just, didn’t realise it… not until today.”

“You… love me?” Jisung sounds confused, unbelieving.

“Yeah.” He breathes the words with a smile and sees the younger’s face light up with a smile that radiates so much happiness it infects him immediately with its brightness.

“Wow. I- “Jisung breaks off and suddenly his smile falters and his eyes flood with tears and a sob breaks through his lips not long after.

“Hey- No, no… What’s up? Did I say something wrong? Are those happy tears?” Changbin cups his cheeks and tries to wipe the salty water away, but it’s too much for him to handle.

“I just… I- I didn’t believe this day would ever come.” He sniffles and wipes his tears away with a quivering lip.

Changbin stills, thinking back to the way Chan had literally told him that- He breathes in sharply. Just how long had Jisung been in love with him? “Sungie, how- How long…?”

The younger averts his eyes with a shaky sigh. “More than a decade, at this point.”

Changbin stills. His mind screeches to a halt. “Fuck, that’s… so long. Why did you never tell me?”

This time Jisung stills in his arms, he falls into himself, face half-buried in the pillow. “I couldn’t, okay? I was scared. You’re everything to me, Binnie. Then there was Felix and I- I just didn’t stand a chance against him. I didn’t want to lose you. Rather forever a friend than to not have you in my life at all.”

“Sungie, that’s… Fuck, I’m so sorry for causing you so much pain.” Changbin takes his face into his hands gently, kissing the tip of his nose. “I would and will never leave you, Sungie. My life is unimaginable without you.”

Jisung smiles a little at that, but it’s not all happiness behind it. “But you never had eyes for me. Never. What changed? It’s so hard to believe that, after all this time, you just… realised.”

“Ah… that.” He totally had to explain this, no matter how embarrassing it was. “I… I think I’ve loved you for the longest time. I don’t know, I can’t pinpoint it. I’ve always seen you as my home, that someone I could always return to, because you were always there for me, no matter what. And today… There was this woman that came to me while you were performing.” He scratches his neck sheepishly.

“She thought we were boyfriends… Told me the love was clear to see in your eyes… I thought it was bullshit but… I liked the thought a little too much and I… it didn’t take me long after to realise just how blind I was towards my own feelings.” He gazes back at Jisung who looks somewhat amused underneath the tearstains. “I think if you’d told me I would have realised it as well. It’s so obvious. I can’t believe I didn’t realise it on my own.”

Jisung smiles shyly at his words and squeezes his side. “Can you say it again, please?”

“Sure.” He leans forward and nuzzles their noses together, “I love you, Sungie.”

The younger’s smile brightens and he hiccups, then giggles; it’s a mess of emotions but then he opens his mouth and speaks with the softest voice Changbin has ever heard: “I love you too, Binnie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Спасибо за чтение! ♥ Thanks for reading!


	13. Epilogue | Binsung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue - Binsung (3/3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attention guys! This is Binsung ending part (3/3)
> 
> Trigger warnings:  
> \- Mentions of depression  
> \- Mentions of suicide

“So, you come to me, terminate your contract and then, you come back, wanting it put back in place? What do you think this is? I do not go around and fulfil everyone’s spontaneous wishes.”

“I’m sorry sir, things changed. I promise, I- “

“I need no promises.” The man clears his throat and takes a gulp of coffee. He swallows loudly, a disgusting sound that creeps all the way up his back. “You’re lucky that people love you so.” The man waves a hand and a regally dressed man stands by his side in seconds.

“Listen, closely.” He fixes him with an unrelenting glare. “I will take you back. But this won’t be easy, people are still screaming murder at us, not that I complain, promotion is promotion after all. Anyway- I’ll take you. You will work as a songwriter and dance instructor for the next year. No publicity. No extra cash. You do it for free, got me? That’s for causing so much fucking trouble. Afterwards we can talk about a new contract. Got it?”

He nods quickly. “Yes, sir.” At least they’ll take him back.

“Good, good.” He nods to the man next to him. “Go prepare the contract.”

He sits in his chair stiffly and watches the man hastily go.

“What are you still doing here? Go! You know where your quarters are so don’t waste your time – or worse – _mine_.”

“Sorry.” He nods quickly and gets up before all but sprinting out of the room.

He finds the way to his old allocations easily; it had not even been a week since he had thought – hoped – that he would never see them again.

The place is big and spacious, the sight makes his eyes water. Oh, how much time had he spent writing love songs in these walls? Many, much to many hours.

He didn’t want to return. Not here, not to fame, no, not anywhere he had been in the last years. He hated fame, hated this apartment that spoke of hope, where every nook and cranny had been filled with this toxic emotion.

It spoke of so many hours of it, of writing and hoping for a man, _the_ man of his dreams, only for him to slip through his fingers like fine sand on a beach. No matter how many love songs he had written, no matter how much his heart had bled, no matter how much he had hoped and prayed, it just hadn’t been enough.

 _He_ just wasn’t enough. He wasn’t good enough; he never would be.

And now? Here he was, nothing left of his life. All in shambles, all for naught. Go with the flow, his therapist had always said, go with the flow.

He hoped the flow would lead him to a bridge, because this wasn’t a life worth living for.

.

.

.

“Innie!!! You did great, sweetie!” Jeongin rolls his eyes with a defeated sigh when he hears Chan.

“Channie~” He whines, “do you always have to be so awkward?”

“It’s part of the package.”

He clucks his tongue, but can’t help but smile at the elder’s happy face. “Where are the lovebirds?”

If possible, Chan lightens up even more, grin now so big he fears it might break his cheeks. “They’re off already, Changbin has finals in a few hours, after all.”

“Oh shit!” Fuck, he had completely forgotten about that with all the exam stress. “We need to go! Come on, Channie!”

The elder laughs and he tugs him along, towards the parking lot where he knows the car is waiting.

“No need to hurry, we’ll make it, promise.”

“I can’t believe you try that on me! You know as well as I do, that we’ll be late! Just because Hannie has Binnie who takes care of him now, doesn’t mean you can slump off! You even forgot my birthday!”

“Ah that.” Chan chuckles and they take a seat in the car. “I remembered later that day.”

“After Binnie told you.”

“Hush now.”

The car starts to move and soon they’re on their way, five hours of driving ahead of them. They settle on the speedway and listen to the radio in silence.

“Heard anything from Felix? Those rumours people are spreading…” Jeongin says after a while, remembering all the suicide and depression rumours that had been going around lately.

They were fake, they had to be.

“Haven’t heard anything, no. Ever since he’s back in the biz, people really try to make it hard on him. Hard to believe he was the sweetheart of the nation once.”

“Yeah, I feel bad for him.”

“Me too, but we have to look ahead, Innie. He doesn’t want us in his life anymore, we shouldn’t cry after him anymore, we have to let go. For us and for him.”

Jeongin sighs, knowing it’s true but still having a hard time accepting it. “If it was just that easy.”

“I know, Innie, I know. We all try together, it’ll be okay.”

He nods once and silence falls. It’s not long before he nods off, only to awaken when Chan shakes his shoulder.

“Innie! Wake up, we’re here and we’re late.”

He bats Chan’s hand away and rubs his sleep-heavy eyes. “Knew it. When will the game start?”

“In a good thirty minutes. Come now, hurry, maybe we’ll get to see Bin before he has to go off. Sung is probably dying of nervousness.”

He waves a hand dismissively as they walk towards the building. “He has Binnie with him, he’ll be fine.”

Inside, they’re ushered to the backstage area and into a small breakroom in a much too long hallway. As they enter the room, they find Changbin and Jisung huddled on a bench in the corner, latter sitting on the other’s lap.

“Aw,” Chan coos, “I’ll never not find you two cute together.”

Jisung grins at him happily and Changbin chuckles and as much as Jeongin wants to roll his eyes at them, he can’t help but smile as well. Changbin and Jisung were just too cute together; it was as if they were made for each other, their love shone brightly and openly, all smiles and giggles all day.

He was a little envious of it; wishing he would find love like that one day as well.

Admittedly, being around them was sometimes very awkward, but that was mostly because Jisung often said extremely cheesy things and Changbin, well, he was a goner and didn’t have the heart to laugh at him. On the other hand, maybe he truly found whatever the blue haired boy said cute, who knew. Surely not Jeongin.

They all smile at each other and a group hug ensues. They wish Changbin luck – with hugs and Jisung with an almost adorable peek on the cheek. They see him off together, and they welcome him back into a warm victory embrace when he returns to them.

Although the second hug is somewhat messy, with Chan and Jisung crying, Changbin trying to hold it in but failing and Jeongin comforting them all – there’s something – someone or rather, four others missing… but it’s okay.

He’s happy anyway, they all are. Everything is as it should be, even if it isn’t as before, even if pieces of the big picture would forever miss, life would go on. It would always go on.

.

.

.

The wind pushes and pulls on him, pressing him into cold metal only to drag him away again. The sun sets before him, the halo of a bustling city enveloped in red and orange. It’s warm, its friendly, it’s like an embrace to one's soul. Like a moment of quietness in even the biggest tumult.

It was fitting, so oddly fitting. When he was born, the sun was setting. When he met him for the first time, the sun was setting. When he realised his love for him, the sun was setting. When his decision was final, the sun was setting. Every moment of importance was intertwined, brought together by life itself.

It was like a circle closing.

In the beginning is the end.

He let’s go.

Air rushes around him like a mob of wild, playful kittens. The end glistens prettily in red and gold. He breathes. His heart stutters in his chest. He closes his eyes, tears ripped out of them, demanding their existences.

Sometimes... sometimes the happiness we want to have is not the happiness we can have.

No matter what you do or how hard you try.

In the beginning... is the end.

And so, the circle closes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The Binsung ending~ What do you guys think, did you like it? If you've read both, please tell me which one you preferred! Also gladly read the Changlix one if you haven't yet!


End file.
